Mountains Flat

With her fingers on the keyboard, she made the appearance of being very busy typing something but in fact she was a million miles away, sunking deep into her own wallowing thoughts. She could not get her act together today. Even during the morning meeting she had trouble making the required notes. And the music on the radio wasn’t helping her to get her back to this mornings minutes either. A raw voice was singing a lovesong that that carried her away on an intoxication of love that only existed in her head. But her train of thoughts was broken by a very clinical voice on the other side of the room:

“So, when do you think you will have the minutes of the meeting finnished, Nina?”

Jacqueline, her co-worker, was standing in the doorway, hugging the left side of the doorpost as if it was her most precious possession. But in reality it just meant that Jacqueline was in a hurry on her way to somewhere, not having enough time to actually come in. She looked at Nina with question marks in her eyes indicating she was waiting for an answer.

“Uhm, well I hope to have it done before the end of the day and then I will email it to you, so you can send it to everyone tomorrow. Is that ok?”

“That’s fine!”

While Jacqueline hurried back into the hallway, she hollered something else to Nina: “Oh and Nina.. lighten up, will ya?”

Nina was smiling. Jacqueline had gotten to know her better than she could have anticipated and the lack of concentration did not go unnoticed to her.

It had been a stressfull year for Nina. She had long dark hair but you would never know that because she would always dye her hair in the most excotic colors. She usually put it up in a bun because basically all her hair wanted to do is fall straight down, especially under stressfull circumstances like the past year. She was 31 when she started her job at Revenue magazine about a year and a half ago. A job she was very proud of. She didn’t have much of a background in journalism which made it hard to be accepted anywhere. Fortunately Peter Klonk had given her a chance at Revenue and she thanked her lucky stars for it everyday. Revenue was a very prestigieus magazine where people lined up to apply at for a job, so it was a miracle she got hired at all. She had fought hard to proof herself to all the other educated journalists in the office as well as her own boss. But all this work had left her with little time for a personal life of any sort. She had lost touch with many of her old friends and there were only a few left that would forgive her for all the times she cancelled or just didn’t call. But this also applied to the relationships in her life. Or the lack of it really. Not to long ago, she had has a short, but promising relationship with a guy. The relationship didn’t make it unfortunately and that was mainly because it was Nina who could not get herself to put some effort into it. Nina had never really been in love with the guy so it was no surprise to her her ran out before it amounted to anything really serious but it still was very disappointed. It was actually more of a drag to be single again then it was for her to never see the guy anymore. At work Nina usually didn’t talk much about her personal life because she had made it her personal policy to keep her personal and professional life separate. It worked better for her and for work.So it made even more perculiar that Jacqueline had noticed her absent minded mood.

 When Jacqueline left, Nina tried to focus on the minutes of that mornings meeting asking herself if indeed she could finnish it by the end. It certainly didn’t look so at the pace she was going now. But before she could get back to the whatever had been set at the meeting, the phone on her desk rang.

“Revenue, Nina speaking. How may I help you?“

“Hi, it’s David, are you busy?”

“Well, you know the drill. This morning we had our weekly round of passing on the work with the first prize passing buck to some unlucky bastard, better known as our progress discussions. Unfortunately I got passed the buck to write it all out. Anway that was some information I am sure you could have done without. How are you? And how’s Miranda?”

“Well that is actually the reason I called.” There was a momentarily silence on the other end of the line “Miranda wants to… uhm.. no we want to… uhm well we decided to take a ‘break’ from eachother. So I don’t think we are going to be much fun at the dinnertable tonight. Do you mind if we cancel?.”

“Jesus, David, are you serious?”

“Yeah, I am sorry. I know you were really looking forward to stuffing us so much that it would embarres starving Afrika, but I think at this point we would not be very hungry”

“Stop trying to be funny, David. This is serious. I thought you two were doing so much better lately?”

Nina knew it was a retorical question because they had not been doing well for a while now, but David would always tell her that nothing was wrong. However it was Miranda that had been doubfull about the relationship for a while now but until now she always found enough reasons to stay with him. She knew, like Nina knew how much David loved Miranda”

“Yeah, well I thought we were, but you know Miranda. If she is determined to do something there is no reasoning with her anymore. But anyway I got a million things to take care of because I’m moving in with Michel temporarily, so I really got to go. Will talk later ok? Bye sweetheart, kisses”

And even before she could say goodbye or ask him how he really was, David had put the phone down, leaving Nina listening to the monotonous beeping of the phone in a complete daze: beep beep beep beep. She put the phone down. She knew this message was suppose to make her feel sad but she really felt quite the opposite. Lately she had really not seen them connecting much with eachother. The last year it seemed they were dragging it out and just going through the motion, but it felt like the real spark was missing. A shame really because they had always been such a lovely couple!.

 David was a good friend of Nina, her best friend even. David was a very spontanious guy that she had known since her teens. He never seemed to be very serious about anything and always looked on the bright side of things. Even now when his life seemed to be falling apart he remained calm and managed to make a joke about it. It was a quality she had always admired in him. But now she wasn’t so sure if it was ok to handle it so lightly. Nina had met David right after highschool when she and a bunch of friend had gone on a short vacation in Spain . She was lying on the beach when a handsome guy handing out flyers of the local discotheque was approching her. He looked so convinced and selfassured and Nina was such blabbermouth she couldn’t help but put this guy in his place.  David liked the girl with the sharp teeth and they spend the whole vacation together. They never had any romantic feelings for eachother but they just had a lot of fun. They told eachother everything and they still did. Nina could always tell him all her love-failures and David would always willlingly listened.

When David met Miranda and fell in love head over heals and he had never stopped being madly in love with her. But if he needed someone to talk to, he would still come to Nina.

 There wasn’t much time to dwell on the trip down memory lane because Erik, one of the senior reporters came steamrolling in the room.

“So Nina. I see you are realy busy as usual”, he said cynically while pointing at the half empty page on her screen.

“Hmm.. last time I checked.. you were not my boss, correct? I really don’t think I owe you an explaination for anyting. But you are right that I am a better journalist then I am a secretary”, Nina replied sharply.

“Really” Erik said with a selfassured smile on his face, “Because maybe you can explain to me what the difference is between reporting a meeting and reporting a strike? It seems to me they are both reporting, right?”

And with these scored points he walked back out of her room not looking back, knowing he once again had won the verbal match.

Nina couldn’t stand it when Erik tried to have to have the last word in everything. And she hated him for being just as sharp.

”Erik”, Nina shouted to him, beckoning him back to her desk, “If you would only write as cutting as you do talk…. My god! You could actually have a shot at becoming a good reporter”. She was used to getting snarls from Erik and she took every opportunity she had to get back at him. They worked at the same magazine but that is as far as there association went. After she had her revenche she turned back to her screen not willing to see or hear his reaction. But she knew he would. He always did. Now or later.

 Nina looked back at the page on her computerscreen that somehow just didn’t seem to want to fill any further. She really had to finnish it if she wanted to leave on time. But just as she was, once again, about to look through her notes her boss, Peter came walking in.

“Nina, I know you are working on the minutes but I have an interesting story that I want you to handle before the next issue comes out next month”

“Oh?”, said Nina very surprised.

Usually stories were planned months ahead of time and not at the last minute because of all the planning that went into publishing: editing, lay-out and eventually printing. But that was not what Nina was so surprised about. She was more surprised about her boss being at her desk asking her to do the story. Even thought she was now well on her way to her second year with Revenu, she was just a desk editor, she never got any interesting stories because they were usually done by the seniors at the office, such as Erik. It was quite common to start as an editor and work your way up to reporter and finally to a senior reporter. Almost the same as in television, where the ultimate goal was to become an achormen or woman. So Nina had started as an desk-editor and now was working her way onto making some articles of her own, but they were usually the cut and dry stories that basically only needed some re-writing from what was already there. Not the real investigative reports.

Her boss was well aware of her surprise.

“I just spoke to Erik and he thought this might be a perfect piece for you to cover” he said as if he had heard her unspoken thoughts.

“Erik?”

Her boss confirmed what she had just asked: “He was under the impression that you would be open to a subject like this”.

Now Nina smelled a rat. Erik, a senior reporter himself and not Nina’s favorite person, would be the last one on earth helping her advancing her career. So she dreaded thinking what the reason was that Erik would be so kind to push the file her way. It was probably a ridiculious story about some local flee-market or the new world record baking bread.

“It is about a woman who has been seeking media attention and has gotten that because of her very controversial way of operating”

Her bosses head was sunken away in the file, skimming the words with his eyes briefly to make a quick sumation of the file

“It appears she does something with empowerment. Something special she wants to offer the world but I don’t know all the ins and outs about it. Erik did most of the prepping”

“Jesus Peter, you can’t be serious! You know how many crazy people are out there claiming to have the answer for a ‘sick’ world. And to please join their leagions, religions or cults. Surely that doesn’t deserve the attention of a serious magazine like Revenu?”

“Well aren’t you just a little bit biast! It really isn’t that bad” Peter continued seriously, “You know I would be the last one t give publicity to that kind of crap but this is a woman that in her past had had quite an interesting and influencial career in business. She worked for a view of the world largest corporations, including Exxon. She has agreed to give us an exclusive on her story if we are willing to take her serious. And seriously we could use a boost in sales!”.

Peter now looked up from his file and looked directly at Nina: “Nina I think we really have enough to make a good story. I really want you to look into this. Look at it as your change to be a senior editor. That is, if you can get passed your biasy and find the story. Take time to look through it and just let me know if you can do it, ok?”

He threw the file on her desk and left without staying to find out what her answer was.

“Give whatever you were doing to Jacqueline. I want you to work on this for now”. When he was just about to leave her room, he turned around and said: “Oh and Nina, if you can’t do it. I’ll give the story to someone who can, alright?”.

Nina smiled at him to confirm that she was able to do this without a problem but on the inside she was furious. She really wanted a chance to become a senior but she wanted a serious shot at it by doing an article on fraude at some corporations or something like that. But thanks to that idiot Erik butting in on her business she now found herself forcd to work ons ome stupid article on some sketchy story of a woman that seemed unworthy of the time and attention f a major magazine like Revenu.

Besides Nina had always been against anything that was slightly religious or spiritual. She didn’t just not believe in god, but she didn’t believe in any sort of higher power that drove the world. Her mother was very catholic but thank god, she had never actively projected it on her children. She had always made a point of letting both her daughters deside themselves if they wanted tob e catholic or not. This meant they were raised non-religious although her mother would give them a bit of the catholic background. When they were old enough to decide, Nina ofcourse decided NOT to become catholic or religious any other way.

Her mother had a firm believe in God and the bible but she didn’t believe in the institute of church. As a child her mother had seen the other side of religion when her mother maried a protestant man, which made her an outcast in her community as well as in church. Her mother had had the experience of having the church turn its back when she needed support most. Her mother was rather more spiritual in nature. After as a child being faced with the reality that the community did not want her nor her family she had found other ways do deal with faith. Nina’s mother had learned to ‘heal’ people by touch what she explained as a transfer of energy. She also tried to help Nina when she was in pain, but Nina would have nothing of it and felt really awkward around her mother’s spiritual practises. To please her mother she once agreed to go to a metaphysical fair. Het mother thought it would be a good thing for Nina to work through some old stuff but the day had been awefull! All the candles, the incense, the crystal balls and other glitter did not make a big impression on her. On her mothers suggestion she visited a physic that gave her such vague suggestions and general remarks that it would have applied to anyone. So, no Nina wasn’t very open to the matter and she was pretty sure Erik had given her the file only to get back at her, for the smart remark she had made earlier.

 When her boss had dissapeared out of sight, Nina got up from her desk and flounced out of the room fuming towards Erik with the new file in her hand.

“You son of a bitch!”, she said while throwing the file on his desk when she arrived without any explanation as to why.

Erik didn’t even take a look a the file before he answered teasingly: “What?…you just told me you were such a good reporter that you were better at that then playing secretary. I thought I was doing you a favour by offering you some real human resourcing!”

Erik was grinning from ear to ear realizing how easy it was to get a rise out of her. It was almost too easy to make it any fun. He knew Nina was a damn good reporter and that she deserved a chance to do a major article, but Nina just didn’t leave him any room to give her a compliment. If he would be honest with her, he wouldn’t stand a chance if she decided to attack him again as she had done so many times before so viciously. He was still a guy and as a guy he had his pride. He knew if he gave her this particular file she would take it as an insult so he his pride would be safe. But he just didn’t understand why she was so hostile. He never gave her any real reason to hate him, apart from the occasional amicable joke which he knew would always wind her up more than it should.

“You know…. If you would take the time to get to know me, you would find out I really am not such a bad guy, honestly!”, he tried innocently, knowing she would take it anything but harmlessly.

“I know very well who you are you arrogant son of a bitch!”, and with that Nina dashed off again taking the file with her.

“Typical…” Erik said “she always wants the last word” after which he returned to business as usual.

After Nina had vented her anger on Erik she didn’t feel like sticking around the office much longer and since she was now doing a leading article she knew it would be ok to take the file home and do some research there. What she really wanted to do was have a good cry with David, because he always knew how to listen and make her feel better but she was pretty sure that with the heavy break-up his mind would not be in a mindset to help her. God, he must feel awfull right now. She decided to give him a call on her way home…. Maybe later on she could stop by his friends place to let him blow off some steam.

~~~~~~

 Miranda, David’s girlfriend, was busy trying to help David get some things together before he left. It had been terrible telling David that after 7 years of being a couple she didn’t see a future for them. She had thought about it for a while and she knew it would be best for both of them. But for David it had come like completely out of the bleu. She noticed that his thoughts were now a million miles away, unlike Miranda who was keeping her cool extremely well throught the whole ordeal. It was like she had come up with the courage to deal with it for the both of them. She had to, because she knew it wasn’t fair on him to do this so suddenly. Miranda had been thinking about it for month but as far as David was concerned he wasn’t even aware that there was a ripple in the relationship. She had tried over and over again to talk about it but he never really had understood her. He told her time and time again how much he loved her and how happy he was to be with her. And so everything stayed the way it was leaving Miranda doubting the relationship more and more. She loved David so deeply, but she knew that if she did not make this decision now, she would find herself 10 years down the road in a relationship that just went but where they both had become complete strangers to one another.

 David was always very dedicated and despite of his very busy job and the worries he had about it, he always tried to make time to spend with her. Time to laugh and act crazy, or just surprise her with little things. And sometimes, not so little things like their house. David had picked her up from work one day and driven her to the sanddunes near the beach to make a long and refreshing walk towards the sea. With utter consideration he had brought a cloth to sit on, some whine watching the sun go down. When the sun had disappeared and it got a bit too cold on the beach, they returned taking a path they never took which ended at a beautiful row of houses that were situated right besides the dunes.

“Well I be darned” he said “Look, that one is for sale… didn’t you want to live by the sea??”.

Miranda had concurred his assumption and reminded him that it was a dream she would keep because they could not afford it. But David had a great big smile on his face while he handed her the keys to the house, to prove her wrong. Miranda did not know whether to cry, scream or jump to express how happy she was. God, it was a typical David thing to surprise her like that but lately she didn’t see that enthusiastic guy anymore. The last couple of years she had seen David close up more and more. She loved him for the way he had been the first couple of years of their relationship funny and outgoing… They use to have deep discussions until the wee hours of the night.. talking about important things and total nonsense. They spend hours talking and laughing but lately when she was trying to be even remotely serious about something she wanted to discuss with him, he would turn away and make a cynical remark or joke about it. Killing any attempt she made to have a serious conversation. But the more time she spend trying to convince him, the more he seemed to shut down. The last year, David had been less of his good self and more of his evil twin. He always critiqued everything and never had time for anything. The only thing he could always muster was a small remark or a faint smile, aimed at a space somewhere between him and her.

 But now she couldn’t even find that smile anymore. His radiant being was now staring into a space where no one could reach him, least of all Miranda. It hurt her deeply knowing she was the cause of his pain, and not being able to do anything about it without hurting herself more. David was not really trying to pack his suitcase. He was just looking around the room, trying to find something he could fix his eyes on. Hoping the grip on an object would help him get his mind in the same gridlock. He was trying to find something to hold on to.. anything. But everything he knew was slipping threw his fingers and he could only watch it happen.

“Miran, please… why now?”, he said in a desperate attempt to do something.

“If not now, then when David?” Miranda answered equally desperate: “When is the right time? I can’t reach you. We never talk. You’re always working. And we never go out anymore.”

“But I…. I need you Miranda”

“Sweety, you don’t talk to me. Not for a long time, you haven’t.You don’t tell me anything that goes on in your life. Not even with work. I just don’t really know you anymore!”

“I know I haven’t been there for you… I understand.. but please… not now…I can’t…”

“… no David, I can’t!”, Miranda said discouraged, knowing there was no easy way to do this: “Sweety, if you can’t do it now, you can do it later. I will bring your stuff to Michel.. You just go and I’ll take care of it if you want me to. Please just go.” she tried in a last attempt to comfort David.

“Oh I see”, David said not comforted but irritated by her attempt to help “You just can’t wait to get rid of me, can’t you. Why don’t you just throw me out now!!”.

“No, that is not what I meant… I just…. I am just trying to help you…”

David started laughing cynically throwing his head back: “Oh well, that’s a laugh! Please Miranda… do me one favour and stop trying to help, because right now your helping me seems to be to kick me out of this relationship as well as the house.”.

There it was again. His sinister remarks in an attempt to hide the fact he was hurting deeper than she could reach him. There was no point in trying anything right now.  She couldn’t get through to him today. There was no way he was going to let her enter his wounded heart. Everything she said would just bounce back into her face. Daar ging hij weer. She seem to enbody for him the proof that no matter how much you love someone.. unexpectingly they will stab you in the back. And even though it had never been her intention she knew this was exactly what she had done to her dear sweet David. Being present only added to his injury and gave him the oil to heat up his fire of anger. Maybe it was best if she left him alone: “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…. Look, I’ll go to my mothers place so you can pack you things in whatever time you need ok?”

For a moment there was an utter silence between them. She didn’t speak and David look at her with pain in his eyes only shortly to awaken from his haze:“No..No… oh god.. I’m sorry… I didn’t meant to... I just… “ he couldn’t find the words and even if he could, what was there to appologize for? “I’ll go to Michel. It’s just hard on me right now, ok?”

It was the first time she had actually seen him look at her and speak with her sincerely for the first time in two years. It was as if she for a second could see past all his defences and understood what was going on in his mind. And what she had hoped would comfort her, only made her pain worse. She had so desired to reach him before, and now that she finally did, if only for a second, she knew it was too late. Tears streamed down her face: “It’s ok, really. I understand. The last thing I want is to rush you in any way. Please, take your time.”

David knodded and grapped a couple of things that were within arms reach of which he had no idea what they were and if they were his. But it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anyway. He jolted the bag Miranda had helped pack and zipped it shut as if with this

gesture he closed off the life he had known for 7 years.

 While he took the back from the bedroom bed he looked into the beautifull eyes of the sweetest and kindest woman he had ever known one final time. The woman he was going to marry. The woman was going to propose to after all this work business was over. David knew she was trying to help but he couldn’t allow himself to feel it without falling apart right there in the bedroom he had shared so many wonderful memories in. Just looking at her, he realised how much of her he was going to miss. It wasn’t just that she was a beautiful woman but the tenderness of her character just radiated all through her. He had admired that in her from the first time they met. She was gentle, caring and a great companion. She always welcomed everybody into her home, wether it was to talk, to cry or to have fun. Wether it was for dinner or whatever, she was always there for anybody. He loved her so much and even now he had no clue what it was he had done wrong, but love her. He didn’t cheat on her. He didn’t go out much and he accepted her just as she was. But he could see in her eyes that something had changed and that something had no return address. This was a one way ticket out.  She had made her decision and it hurt her as much as it did him. Of that he was sure. To make the goodbye not too painful they had called it a ‘temporary seperation’ but he knew as she did, that this was the end of 7 beautiful years together. It hurt him more than he could handle. It was too much, with everything that was going on. Why no? God, why now?

He could barely keep himself together and he knew he had to get out. Now. He couldn’t breath. He turned is head away from her. There was so much going on in his life that he couldn’t bare this. Looking at her, he felt the ground move away from under his feet.

“Bye gorgious”, he said as he always did.

“Bye handsome”, she said like she always did.

He couldn’t look at her as he walked out of the bedroom, down the stairs and out of the front door. He could feel Miranda’s eyes looking at him from the first floor window but he didn’t look back. Out of nowhere he found his carkeys in his pocket and opened his cardoor. He could pull himself together enough to drive away without letting one tear leave his eyes. David drove two blocks, parked his car and burst into tears. Thank god no one could see him.

 ~~~~~~

 In Michigan , USA Diona was standing in front of the desk of the travel agent of the main street in Lapeer. It was a cold and meaningless building who dealt in insurances and travel arrangements. The woman behind the counter was a young woman in her early twenties. She carried with her an overdosis enthusiastic energy that was even a bit much for american standards.

“So, there is just one person travelling?”

“Yes” Diona answered.

“Ok, and where are you travelling to?”

Diona was holding her breath in to ponder on the trip she was about to book for a second. Was she really going to do this? It was in an impulsive moment that she had decided she wanted to take this trip and it hadn’t taken her long to go to the travel agent to put her idea to action. Diona really felt she wanted to go. She let out all the air in her lungs and it breezed passed her lips as she answered: “Scotland, please with a stop over in London” She had thought about her trip and if she was going this far across the ocean she might as well visit Glastonbury in England as well as some other there before going to Scotland.

God she couldn’t believe how long it had been since she had been there. She was born in Scotland but raised in Michigan after her parents died and she went to live with her grandparents. She was now in mid-twenties and the only thing that gave a hint of her background was the dark amber red hair with large curls and her deep penetrating eyes. After leaving Scotland at a very young age she moved to Michigan and had never left Michigan . Diona had not been in Scotland for a very long time, but after visiting a seminar in Tucson Arizona that she stumbled upon through a friend, she had been haunted by thoughts of going back to the place she knew so little about but was part of her heritage. It was a picture of a stained glass window in Scotland not to far from where she was born that fired up a train of memories and a great desire to revisit her ‘homeland’. It was a seminar about the Divine Feminine called Awaken the Divine Feminine.

 After her parents died one shortly after the other, Diona went through a very hard time. Her grandmother had taught her so much in that time. She taught Diona to live in the now. To live in Tao her grandmother would call it. And she taught her how to calm her mind and deal with pain and stress. She had gotten a very unconventional upbringing but it suited her well. Her grandmother knew much about the sacred feminine and would take every opportunity to teach her granddaughter about it, as she had done with her daughter as well.

 “When do you wish to travel?” the travel agent sounded too friendly and her posture and smile were almost scary

Diona thought about her work and her grandparents. She had some things to rap up here but she would be able to get that all arranged within a month or so.

“I don’t know, do you have any cheap tickets in June or July”

“Well that is high season, but let me check” said the agent with a smile that simply did not leave her face the whole time. Amazing, Diona thought, her jaw muscles must be like a shark if you want to keep smiling like that all day

De travel agent hadn’t noticed anything of all the memories that went through Diona’s head at the same time she was looking for a flight and she showed her all the possible flights for the period of time stated by Diona. After the clownish woman had asked her all the right questions as if it was possible, starting smiling more when she said: “Ok, will that be credit or debit”

“Credit please” said Diona while she was going through her bag in search of her wallet in which her credit card was safely kept. After a small hesitation she handed her card over to the lady who took it with much pleasure about the sale she was making. Now there was no way back. Only a little over a month left in Michigan and then she would go to Scotland for a while. Chasing the origin of a picture she had seen of a stained glass window in Schotland during a seminar Tuscon Arizona . It didn’t get any crazier than that, but it felt great! 10 minutes later Diona left the travel agency relieved that she had done it and took out her cell phone to call her grandmother: “Hi Grandma… Guess what?”

 ~~~~~~

 Stephen was in the studio, listening to the playback of the song they had just finnished recording. It was still early in the morning and after the late hours he always made, his voice wasn’t in the greatest condition yet. That is why the studio musicians and technicians had started recording the bass and percussion section. Getting up early was not Stephen’s strongest suit but that was no surprise seeing his concerts that always lasted long and always followed the inevitable after-parties. They always lasted longer than then was healthy for any human. Even if had been a while since Stephen was on tour promoting his first album, he still had a lot of gigs, tv-shows and other media interviews. When you get a succesfull album, everbody wants a piece of you, wether it be sooner or later they were all linked to his promotional debute tour. Stephen couldn’t believe it had been almost year and that he was back again in the studios now to record his second cd, which would be accompanied by a DVD.

 Studio work meant long days with endless repetitions of the same music just to get the right sound for the song. Stephen didn’t like it much and preferred being on stage. But in order to go back on tour he needed new material and the boost to the media attention to get the shows booked. Besides, no matter how much he enjoyed playing, the last year had worn hiim out completely. Being on the road and making impossible days sure took its toll on him.

Thinking back on that time it was almost imposible to imagine how much had changed since he walked into the office of EMF-records. It wasn’t your typical story of boy makes music and gets famous, because EMF was certainly not the first recordcompany he walked into that kindly or not so kindly, told him to seek refuges for his music elsewhere. So he wasn’t expecting much more than the usual ‘thank you but no’ response when the producer there had told him, he didn’t much like the tape but that he felt Roger McBanister a music manager might be interested to hear it. And so Stephen took a long shot and took a flight to Hollywood where Roger lived and worked and made an appointment to see him. Stephen was pretty much broke at that point. Roger had indeed seen the potential in the music but it took a hard year of travelling, promotting and doing gigs in small places before he got any recogisiont for his music. After an intens year of investing and many hard hours later, his single was finally picked up by a large radiostation that made a re-recording through a big label possible. What happened next was a well known fact to practically the whole or the United States . Because there was now a big label behind it, the promotion could now be done on a much larger scale, or as Stephen would say: it is not what you can do but about who knows who. And so local interviews became big network television shows, small gigs became huge shows in big stadiums. In a short time his album raced to the top of the bill and everybod knew: Stephen Renshaw and his debut album: Get it now.

 Nothing about his life was as it was three years ago now. He had no money worries and he had hired an army of people who took care of him in any way possible. Private and musicaly. Stephen tried to remain himself through this all and just do his ‘thing’ without caring much about the wished and demands of the recordcompany or his manager. He only wanted to perform but his manager knew that he needed all the interviews and travelling to get to know who’s who in showbusiness in order to get those gigs. Stephen loved music but he had learned quick that the musicindustry is as well organized as the maffia in Italy . You had to know who to talk to, who to suck up to and who to avoid. It was wise to appear at the right parties and keep as broad a span of friends a posibble. If you talked about other musicians it was wise to talk about them with respect and good manors so eventually you could get your advantage for future purposes. Record hotshots were well organized multinationals who only had one purpose in mind; making money, lots of it. They didn’t really care about making a good record or having great music contracted. They wanted your music to make money. They always preferred artist with a ‘hitgaranty’, which basically meant musical suicide for any real musician.  To be succesfull Stephen had learned to tack between the interests of the money grubbers who made sure his records sold and his own artistic freedom.

 Becoming famous surely had it’s advantages but it also taught him fast how to build an amour around himself. He had to because everybody seemed to want something of him. They loved him or they hated him, het had learned. And both ends presented themselves often, especially in newspapers, magazines and television. Somehow it was important to have an opinion about the music or worse about him as a person. True or not, it didn’t really matter they would let the whole world know what they liked about him and what not. He could handle the critique on his music but he never really grew accustomed to having them attack his personality, especially not knowing him. Stephen had learned to preserve himself by not being as was expected of him. According to his manager Roger it was not wise to not play by the rules but it had served him well. Somehow he understood the game better than anyone anticipated. What Roger called his ‘bad habbits’ the media loved! The audience loved his unpredictable attitude when it came to being on a show. One moment you could have a very serious conversation with him and the next he would chuck it all in and did everything but that what was expected of him according to the unwritten tv script. Roger had always feared his unpredictable character but the audience somehow were smittened to see someone go off the beaten track when it came to his behaviour. Maybe it was part of the reason he was so populair.

 But now matter how fairy-like his story seemed on the outside, his life really wasn’t half as glamorous as some people made it out to be. He had worked extremely hard to get where he was now. He had had no time to himself whatsoever, since he signed on with Roger Mc Bannister. He felt like he made more hours on airplanes then most pilots did. He knew all the big hotels in every city he had gone to and had slept in more of their beds then he did at home. Because all the hotels looke alike, it was hard for him sometimes to separate one city from the other. He used the ‘welcome to..’ brochures that lay in every hotelroom to remind himself which city exactly it was that he was in.

 Despite this punishing tempo, he was expected to always be cheerful and happy no matter where he was and what he did. He always had to make the interviewer feel that he found it absolutely fantastic to be where he was, and that he absolutely loved the questions he was asked even if it was for the 50^th thousand time and the answer was still the same. Stephen much preferred being on stage but he had never realised that being present at parties, interviews and photoshoots took up more time and were equally important.

 In America Stephen Renshaw had become an brand-name, a household name, but he had yet to conquer outside his own country. The second album would focus more on the European and Asian market. So now he found himself standing in the studios again, without much of a break to catch his breath from the commotion surrounding the first album, recording the second album. He had alread gulped down to bottles of water because he refused to drink coffee when he had to sing. He could feel the water had soothened his throat a little and it made his still raw voice soften up a little: ”I want to do it one more time, with the percussion solo on the second measure of the bridge”

The studio musicians agreed and took their places behind the instruments to play the rythmic secion of the song. It sounded awesome and Stephen was slowly moving to the rythmic slaps and thumbs on the drums. He could feel the percussions on the other side of the recording wall vibrating through the speakers into him like ripples on the watersurface.  God, he loved music. This is what it was all about: creating something. There was something about music that could touch people. It could awaken something in people when he was performing for a large audience that could not be explained by any words. As if a small party inside each body of the person listening was having a party.

 After taping the percussion section, Stephen dove behind his guitar to recording the accompaniment until his voice was awakened enough to sing the lead melody. But before he could start playing, his manager walked in the studio. That he had some good news was made obvious by the little twinkle in his eyes. He went to the mixing table and pushed the communication button with which he could talk through the soundproof walls: “Steve, I have got some great news for you. The Chinese have finally agreed to a tour through China . We will leave in a couple of weeks for a short tour. We will finnish recording the album when you get back, ok?

Stephen, who was sitting at the other side of the window, realised that as always, nobody asked him what he wanted. Nobody seemed to concern themselves about wheter Stephen wanted to go. Everybody around him was always working hard to do what was right for him, but they never really consulted him. To go to China was a great opportunity and it was a good deal to go and promote his music, so naturally he would be very happy about it. But Stephen was still tired and even though he dreaded long studio hours, it did give him the time to be home a little more and rest. But it seemed the prospect of some peace and quiet was taken away from him even before he could start enjoying it. This was the first day of recording and now he knew it might not be long before he was done. Of course his oppinion didn’t matter and Stephen knew he didn’t have much of a choice. He smiled at Roger and put his thumb up in approval when he yelled: “Great, Roger!”.

~~~~~~

“You seriously can’t go on like this Lucia, honestly you can’t!” Francis’ eyes looked both penetratingly serious and concerned, “the world isn’t ready for it Lucia”

Francis saw it happen in front of her eyes. Lucia had a special gift and felt obligate to use it for the good of mankind. But Francis knew that going public also meant being open to public humiliation and being a laughing stock. Francis had seen it had taken its toll on Lucia; she looked very pale and tired. Despite of the fact that Lucia was a very strong woman, Francis feared that Lucia would collapse if she continued like she was doing now.

 Outside the sun was shining. It was only spring but it looked like summer outside with the sun high in the sky. The sun lit up all objects within the radius of the sunlights reach. Inside Lucia’s house in Den Haag it was cluttered as always. Everywhere you looked were half read magazines, empty cups and other traces of a well lived in house. In her house it was both messy and cosy. Wherever you looked, you could see half burned candles waiting to be lit again. You could smell the sweet smell of incense that subtle but penetratingly filled the air with its presence. Although there wasn’t much of a style that you could discover in the house but you could see the eastern influences mainly by the colours that were used but also in the parafinallia. On a side table a Boedha that went astray, some colored Marocan teacups that served as little lights and a dark wooden folding screen with eastern prints that served as a separation between the dinning and sitting room. Her bookshelfs were filled with books that could tell you all you needed to know about Lucia. Many novells, spy adventures, managementstyle books and esoterical books. It summed up who Lucia was: a woman with both feet firmly on the ground but who had made it her business to understand the world in any way possible.

She had gained in-depth knowledge of all the major meta-physical movements but she clearly had her own opinion about them. She was aware of the stigma that rested on it. Most people were considerd woolly and not down to earth. Lucia agreed that a lot of people that claimed to be spiritual or meta-physical somehow didn’t seem to be very down to earth and she was sorry that not many people dared to bring it in a more grounded fashion, because there was a lot to say about the information that was available. Most of it was pretty good, but not many people could remain a certain perspective about life as it was. Too often she found people that swoon on a spiritual trip and had no connection to what was happening in the ‘real’ world. Lucia herself had searched for the meaning of the seamingly random sequence of events and the purpose of it all but whatever she learned she was always a bit put off by the ‘life is great’ attitude most people had on an esoterical level. It seemed like there was al whole section of the population that had collectively decided that despite all the misery in life, they believed all would magically be well one day. Lucia did not agree at all. She was now in her mid fifties and she had had gone through her share of bad times and had learned much about the ‘other’ side of life, so many people willingly ignored.

 All be it, Lucia wasn’t very tall and her indonesian looks combined with her sturdy posture it was no surprise she had fought hard for her carrier in business. A very admirable career indeed. After finnishing business school and her degree in psychology she combined the two and became a negotiator which in her time had put her in contact with goverments world wide and worldleaders everywhere. She had been part of major contractnegotiations and mergers. She was well known to many big leaders. But all those people that knew her and worked with her all decided to completely ignore her, the day she decided to turn her back on the life as a top-executive and chose to strike out at a new course. She wanted to go on an exploration for the truth or at least what was truth for her. Because if there was one thing life had taught her it was that there was no ‘one’ truth, but merely a collection of assumptions that we based our opinions on. It had been a very risky step because in all probability it wouldn’t be easy for her to find a job if all her ventures failed. At her age, all that was left to do was be a the chairman of a board or committee of some charitable institution and that was not something she was looking forward too.  But she had made some good investments in her time and, even if her lifestyle didn’t have anything to show for it, she wasn’t bad off at the moment. But the money couldn’t last for ever.

“You are right, Francis”, Lucia said tired but determent, “but what you are saying is based on fear. The world, including the media, are already governed by fear and that is exactly what I am trying to oppose. If I give up now, then it would have been all for nothing. Then I would would be just one of the many people that didn’t dare to persue out of fear of the consequences. Then I am no hair better than the same people that I am up against”

Francis knew Lucia was right but she didn’t want her good friend to go down with her good intentions. The press looked at Lucia as a bizar woman that had come down from being a succesful business woman to a strange starry-eyed idealist. A world that, in essence, didn’t really want to change. Money and fear really did rule the world. In the west money fairly abundant and people considered themselves ‘happy’. So for them there was simply no need to change. The fear for the change and not knowing what it would bring had become too big to handle. Letting go of the life we know, no matter how mediocre, was still not an option for most and the economic interest still governed the world. Science no longer aimed to discover new and change what was but was focussed on maintaining what was. To keep the financial scales in balance with wellfare.

Because of Lucia, Francis had become aware that this was all a varnish reality. That in reality we still lived in the dark ages where we still believed the world was flat, and if you dared to say otherwise, you would be execrated. Francis understood the need for the message that Lucia was trying to bring forward but she also found herself confronted with a world that chose to remain in the dark. A civilazation that chose to believe that could fall of the earht if the wondered far enough beyond the horizon. The world didn’t want to move forward, it wanted to stay exactly where it was: set in its way and stuck in old believes and convictions.

“Lucia, you know I support you one hundred percent but I am really afraid you cannot handle this by yourself. You need a network of goverments and leaders that support your goal and that who believe we can do something to change it all”

Lucia looked up from her train of thoughts that she found herself hard to regain from. With penetrating eyes she looked straight at Francis.

“Francis, don’t you see? That is exactly the problem. That’s precisely my point. They know! They know and that is why they are trying to ridicule me and shut me up”.

Francis couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She fell silent and let the words resonate in her head over and over again until they finally sunk in: “You mean….”

Lucia looked both tired and determined: “Yes, they are very aware of it all but they are more afraid of loosing their control on the world. They are terrified of not being in charge of society anymore. They are terrified of me and what I stand for!”

Iris Barkhuysen.
Copyright © 2003 [De Iris]. All rights reserved.
Revised: augustus 21, 2007

email: info@deiris.nl