Summer in Sedona

Outside the temperature is a scorching 110 F so I am inside behind the computer... naturally ...hihihi..

Well.. yes... it is really hot here.. and I was soo enthusiastic that I packed all sorts of close that I now don't seem to need. I had forgotten how much clothes were still here and I had forgotten that with these temperatures clothes are almost absolete! 

I am back in Sedona, even though the trip did not go all that smoothly. But I don't really want to dwell on that too long because it has cost me enough already. And by now I know that if things don't seem to be going my way that it usually holds a beautiful present in itself.. soooo.. I'm waiting! 

It is too hot to be outside right now but I feel a little strange being inside and even that isn't to cool either. But right now I hold my jetlag as my excuse. 

I have promised to myself that I am going to enjoy the time I have here and not take things too serious right now. Whatever comes is great but I am not going to put effort in making things hapen at this point. So... I am enjoying to be lazy.. writing and enjoying the sun.. from the inside.. hahaha.

Titel

Never (again)

Jeez... it has been over a month now, that my dad passed away so suddenly... Since I have never had to deal with death so close in my life, this has been a real experience for me. After I got home there was a lot of arranging to do (even though my sister and mother took care of pretty much everything), leaving me with (litterally) almost no time to even adjust to the idea of being back in Holland all of a sudden. After that there was all the financial stuff that needed to be taken care of.. and the getting used to it....The taking care of my dad's dog. The caring for my mother... and somewhere far in the background: the taking care of me.

My chronic fatigue that I managed to fight on my trip, has returned full blown again.. and I will just let it be for a while. The despondency and disbelief are very big but most of all I feel very uprooted. 'Between two worlds. I don't belong here and yet I am not there. I want to be there, and yet there are things to do here. My heart wants to leave, but my life is needed here. Whatever direction I look, it is looking at a longing that just isn't right now. I can go back now, but that doesn't feel right. I can go back later, but then there is all the stuff that needs to be done now. 

Oh well..... they are all thoughts... and a silent knowing inside me says that it wasn't suppose to be like this. That god didn't plan this. In my nor in his life. I silent knowing that this was not divine will.  I don't know why I think this since I know there are no mistakes in the Universe. And yet it feels wrong. A wrong that indeed has been compensated greatly for the good of me and many others....but still a wrong that was not part of the big plan. Perhaps I am wrong but it is how I feel ... and everyday this feelings grows a little Either way: wrong or not... My dad is no longer here to hug me, to give me advice, to eventually be a granddad for my kids or to even give me away at my wedding when and if that occurs. But he gave me so many beautiful things that it is almost impossible to be mad at him or the Universe. I cannot blame him or anyone for it. It is what it is.

But still... he did not fight for his life... he was just gone... just like that.... and now 'never' (again) has a very harsh sound to it. 

Life is unpredictable

Letting go

All that was negative about the Ashram before does not bother me at this point and I now am able to see all the wonderful and loving things that are also present. Although some of what the Ashram offers will always be a blatantly honest and confronting mirror of yourself. I still do my 4 hour of yoga everyday... it really is a challenge sometimes but I try to do it anyways.. knowing the reward is always there.....

I will have a hard time saying goodbye to this place on Wednesday and have contemplated (briefly) whether I should stay a little longer... but now really is my time to go.... and leave the safety it offers against the outside world that can  be so harsh and stressful because everybody is trying to conform to what has been created. So I will just enjoy this remaining time here. 

Outside our yoga friends in training are getting another class and I can hear the final prayes being recited as the sounds slowly slide into my room. Funny actually... The prayers that I have dreaded and felt so allergic to, now feel like a welcome foundation of and throughout the day. 

Ommmmmmmmm 

Ooooooohmmmmmmm

Beyond that everything is still very great here. The music festival has ended now. It was a very interesting and insightful experience with many beautiful and very special musicians. I ended up really enjoying Snatam Kaur, which obviously has been an icon for Kirtan music even though I had never heard of her (which means nothing.. hahaha). Snatam is a woman that radiates so much love an lightness that she truly feels as a person that has found enlightenment somehow. She is ageless with an more than amazing voice (and most of you how critical I am in that). Her music is so pure and beautiful that there really is nothing else to do but loose yourself in it. Since we are on a small island and the Ashram is secluded you not only get to experience the music but also the people behind the music because they are always around and also enjoying the beach. I had a very special meeting with one of the musicians that has known and worked with Snatam since they started: Guru Ganesh. All the music and workshops were specials. I really enjoyed the sacred dance workshop for women by Judith Gass. In it we were all invited to explore our bodies and the movements it wanted to make...... just going with the movements and feeling what the body was wanting to do... it was a liberating and empowering experience... After we were done dancing we went to the ocean to swim and we felt all very powerful women.... It was so beautiful how the see in that one moment the ocean really put us with our both feet on the ground. The current was so strong that most of us were dragged back by the strong waves, dragging us in the current.... A lesson in respect and going with 'the flow'. But the most profound would have to be the workshop that Snatam did in which we did some Kundalini Yoga. With it we were invited to move the boundaries of our mind. We had to do fast arm raises for 15 minutes. We had only gone through a minute or so when I realized I really could not do anymore... But I remembered Snatams instructions and told my self: "Yes you can".. and instantly I felt a new fresh breath of air through me, making me able to continue my movement. This process repeated itself several times, every time finding the energy to continue a little longer. It was amazing to have this first hand experience of the power of your mind. 

I still don't agree with the rigidness and masculine structure of the Ashram but I have found a way to be  ok with it in my experience here. I do speak out my opinion and do what I feel is right for me. I keep smiling and being as friendly as I can without being 'fake' ... and every day I see more people relax and loosen up. As a person of I-want-it-and-I-want-it-now I always think that things will manifest instantly when I do them... so it was a subtle and beautiful lesson to see that by just continuing my effort, without straining and just being me... things around me slowly did start to change....very naturally. There have been some people that I have been able to help a little step towards there highest good and manifestation and with a few more days to go I am getting somewhat anxious of the 'next step' after this but it has remained really quiet until now... hihihi

Oh I also have a roommate now. Her name is Christina.. and she is the opposite of me, in a good way. She loves structure and 'perseverance' and that has been a really valuable lesson for me. A lesson to remain a free spirit but also knowing that having some sort of structure can really be the foundation of a more balanced life...She in return is learning to let go and get more into the feminine 'go with the flow' energy... isn't that just beautiful

And yes, the weather is still very good.. we do get an occasional rain shower and the wind is really blowing heavy but I really does not take away any enjoyment of the beautiful beach. And really... what is better than dipping your feet in lukewarm sea water at 11 at night before going to bed? 

Ashrami

From being somewhat adjusted I now feel a part of the Ashram....fully integrated in the Ohm Shanti's and Om namah Shivaya's. When new people arrive I almost feel like helping them get adjusted to life here.... it is all very funny, being that I really haven't been here that long. What I didn't know before that there is something called TTC going on... which is Teacher Training Course... meaning a crash course to becoming a Yoga Teacher in one month... and that means a lot of information packed into a very short amount of time... and that means they rapidly and intensely go through all sort of inner and outer processes. It was pretty obvious that the feelings I had towards the Ashram had something to do with this going on at the same time. Some but not all. By the time I arrived, most student were at a low-point of going through a lot of stuff. But even without that the Ashram is still (and will probably always be) a place that pushes your buttons....

Meanwhile I think I have now really found my way into it. doing what I need when I need it and not doing anything when I really feel like it. So I have given up the early mornings and that has given me so much more room to breath, making it even more obvious that I am just not an early riser. I had decided right after I arrived here that it being happy and joyous when everybody is, really is no challenge, but it will be if the energies around you do not invite it. I know it is my task and challenge to remain balanced and joyful even in those moments and I have tried to practice that, without loosing sight of my inner needs and not going beyond any awkward feelings I might have been having..... and in trying to remain in that space I have met some really nice, sweet and funny people that I have connected to a lot. I also gave them Diamond Light Energy when the time felt appropriate and it really gave a sincere and big transformation for at least one of them. I think she went through a lot in a short amount of time. It felt beautiful to see it and to be part of such a tremendous healing. The other woman I met, used to be a publisher and said she would be happy to help my cause when the time would arise...... Yeaaaaah!!..

Yesterday night the festival did start with a concert by Robert Gass.... and it was amazing... what an opening!!!.....It was beautiful timing to see people breaking out of there shells and transforming into the music. I felt so happy and blessed to be just singing and moving to the wonderful music and taking in every breath of sound as sacred energy and food for my soul. ... It really was spectacular!!!..... I really remained in my own space... even though I could feel that someone behind me wasn't completely happy with  me being there. I didn't feel resentment or anything or the need to please... I just remained enjoying myself without giving it any attention.... to float away on the notes and sounds.....

The energy that was released by this happy exciting gathering was enormous and I am happy that I came for this festival. Today we will have the first workshop and after that some free time to dive in the ocean... then it is off to Yoga again and diner and satsang......Yes it is a busy schedule but it doesn't feel like it because it is structure that calms the mind. I have been laying in the sun a lot and I am very grateful for that also......

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti Peace

Well I have somewhat adapted and gotten accustomed to the life in the Ashram... As I have written before it has taken some time for me to really get 'into' life here in the Ashram. Fortunately I have discovered that I am not the only one that seems to be bothered by the whole energy and attitude here. From what I have gathered, everybody that gets here goes into some kind of 'shock' the first couple of days. Most people that I talked to had some sort of feeling like: Oh My god what did I get myself into??"... so I am happy to be sharing my initial misery.. hahaha ...

I think it has something to do with the changes that have been penetrating the earth. Maybe at this point in time most of us are outgrowing the constrictions of the old religions. .......being western or eastern like this. I myself am a definite example of that. Sometimes it feels like the people that come here are rebelling against there parents. The parents being the old generation of 'spirituality'.

The yoga lessons are 2 hours long and there are two of those everyday. The same goes for the Satsangs: 2 hours, twice daily. So basically 8 hours of the days are already been spoken for. Ahhh.. but I did find out that the rules don't seem to apply that strictly here and that the 'guest' do not attend all the classes all the time. Thank god.. but I don't think I can do that for 15 days!!.. Especially when I 'have' to. The Yoga really isn't that easy either... they make you sweat a little and really ask you to challenge your body. And not being used to any yoga for a while... it is challenge enough... So this afternoon I skipped class for the first time and yes, that is really hard for me.. or at least 'dual'... some part of me really is too lazy to go.... and the other doesn't want to admit that I am not up for any given challenge and really wants to go out there. hmmm... I feel like on one side I need to 'honor' my body and on the other hand... the yoga is good for you body.. so maybe doing yoga is honoring it??  Anyway... whatever it is.. it is sure being tested here!! ..hahaha 

The Satsangs are however the real drama....My god!!.. can you imagine?? Spontaneous Iris goes down them thinking to have fun to sing together.. yeah!... Well.. yes they do sing.. but by no means exuberant... and then I am being 'mild'... it is really horrible!!... The norm here seems to be 'contained' and not at all exciting or expressive. These word seem to estranged in this ashram and I find myself yawning and struggling to get through the two hours... Oh and I was extra in 'luck' the last couple of days because there has been this very very very boring man talking every night...

Ohh.. and it seems I am only complaining but it is part of my experience so I have to tell you the food isn't that good either... I am not one to complain and I will eat it but since it is so hard to provide this island with food...we get much of the same food everyday.. which is vegan mostly. 

Oke.. enough complaining now.. becaaaaaausse:.......

From my little hut I go to the beach every day to use the wonderful snorkelkit I bought in Hawaii..... I swim in the pure blue ocean.... and rest on the sand with the breaze making sure I don't get too hot... and also make me burn easily. Even though it has been great to just snorkel in the ocean by the Ashram, Kendall.. a staff member here also organizes trips to go snorkel in the surrounding areas where there are more fish and beautiful things to see underwater. Yeeeass.. just relaxing and doing nothing... ... hmmmm... that it the good life in the ashram... i never have to worry about what to eat because all meals are provided.... and I don't have to go any where but just here in Paradise......

Paradise

I arrived in the Bahamas... and I must say it is a bit of a cold shower after all that warmth in Hawaii. Somehow I knew this already inside... but it was a bit of a transformation nonetheless….

The Island on which I arrived, Nassau, wasn't really my cup of tea. One third of the population is superrich.. the other part is struggling to get by. And than there is tourists... lots of them... people on spring break or older but looking for the same kind of 'fun'......The ashram is situated on Paradise Island and it cannot be reached by car so the only way to get to this part of the island is by boat. A boat that the ashram itself provides. Yes... indeed I am on Paradise Island!!! The location is idyllic but the energy is not quite what I was expecting. But as I have said before: I was ready for this huge change and was sort of expecting it. The high vibration of Hawaii is hard to meet and besides I had already figured that the Ashram would have a much more earthy energy. But I knew that I had to be here for some reason, which is not know to me at this point.

The Ashram is not only full of strict rules and adoration... this same aspect of control also gives a bit of a structure and  order and prevail. Maybe that is the aspect which has drawn me here (beside from the obvious music festival). But at this point I feel really uncomfortable here.... I have 'outgrown' the devotion to god with alters and rules....But another part of me is just scared because it is so different from my life and I have been sooo set on maintaining or obtaining my authenticity. 

I get an allergic reaction to all this... not the least of it because you are 'expected' to do certain things...... you don't have to but they encourage you to. That somehow gets under my skin. I don't mind doing stuff... I just mind being expected to do stuff... My mother can really attest to that hahaha....

Well... so here I am on my very plank wise bed.. listening to the construction going on, on the other side of the water. It seems like construction is another contingency here in the Bahamas.... the islands are small but the buildings are still going up everywhere. It makes the thought of yoga on the water a bit less attractive.. but we'll see..... My 'hut' is super simple without a bathroom (which is down the pathway)... I am not looking forward to the walk on my still very present midnight pees... hahaha....The wonderful thing is that the room does have electricity so that is why I can easily listen to music and update this blog, even though I can't put it online yet. As of yet I don't have a roommate... and whomever she will be.. I don't miss her right now....

At 4 pm my first Yoga class will start at which I am expected to be present... great!!... just diving right in there!!.... I am afraid I will need some time to settle in here and go around the grounds which are surprisingly big... but my real first impression is that I would just as well like to swim back to Hawaii right now..... OK... I will take a deep breath and realize I am here because I chose so and I am sure this is just part of the initial shock I always have when I arrive somewhere new....... and anyway.. I will be here for 15 days.. whether I like it or not :-) ….hmmmmm…..

Flippersss

But let me try to tell you a little something.....

We (of course) went to the volcano park in Hawaii and we did a ceremony for Pele; the fire goddess. It was so incredibly powerful to look into the crater of the volcano. the energies it radiates is amazing... a seeming dead and silent surface but yet you know all this very powerful movement is going on beneath it. We did a ceremony for realizing our dreams. Well.. yes... what can I say about that?... At the volcano I was able to experience my own inner power. I did some sounding, that Judith taught us. It sounded so powerful that I could feel it vibrate in all my bones and the sound carried way beyond the other side of the crater making an enormous echo reverberating back to me in a very strong yet subtle way. It was one of those 'aha' moments where I realizes something that was so simple it hadn't yet entered my mind. 

I had always been afraid to take full responsibility for the power inside me because in some way I was afraid of it. I was afraid of my power and of my sound. Pele showed me to simply embrace the strength inside me, and that I did. It is funny how in your head you make up this amazingly strong and scary feeling of what it must be like when you go over that threshold, but that day I realized there was nothing to fear because it was 'just' me. All I had to do is embrace me... and that was so much simpler than I had ever imagined!!! 

It felt like I was somehow afraid to fully embrace my power because I was afraid of being consumed by streaming hot lava (to keep in in the same terms) leaving nothing of 'me'. But by being by the volcano I realized: I AM the volcano!!!

After that we went to the tropical rainforest part of the park which was past a huge field of nothing but cooled black lava. We went on a walk there, leaving the last pieces of the old behind, ready to start a new when we got back to the car. Our next stop was a breakfast and some traditional dancing and after that to South Point. The southern most point of the United States... but I continue to believe and think Hawaii is not part of the United States. Here it is said the 'veil' of consciousness is the thinnest in the world. This basically means that whatever you desire is accessible here. Again we did some sound work and it was amazing to use it fully now that I have embraced the full impact of it.... when I did some really powerful chanting I actually noticed (and I was not the only one) that the sea was coming closer towards me real fast... Wow!!

Oh well.. there are so many stories like this..... I can't possibly tell them all.....

Today was an ocean day gain... aahh.. I have learned to love it.... This time our main focus was not the whales but the dolphins. We were again spoiled rotten by our generous hosts on the boat with wonderful fruits and snacks... But the main course really was the dolphins. .....

I could not wait to get in the water and when the opportunity arose to be with the dolphins I was in before anyone could say otherwise.....I feel so at ease in the water....It ahs been a while but I realize the connection I have with the sea....I must have been a mermaid at some point in my former lifes hahahaha.........I am a water-person that is for sure. Everybody here noticed that. So once in the water I could do but one thing and that is to surrender to the water... completely surrender....

There were more people in the water (groups) and I really tried to get away from everybody towards my own little space in the ocean. I was sure that if I was meant to meet the dolphins they would find me and I didn't have to look for them. ..... and they did.... but everytime they came towards me, the groups of people would also swim towards me (because the dolphins were there)... and then I left again to the next place... and so did the dolphins....hahaha... But the moments I did have with the Dolphins were amazing and very special indeed. There were times when I just lay in the water.... listening to the sound of the dolphins somewhere near....The less I tried to 'see' them.... the more I did.

The pod of dolphins was very big (a hundred or more) and the people that were on our boat saw clearly that the dolphins were swimming around me in a circle. I saw that a few even made some sort of 'eyecontact'.... I say that in quotationmarks because I get the feeling they don't really look at you as much as they 'scan' you.... like I am some sort of label going across a register trying to figure out what I am. And I feel safe to tell you (because I am sure more people have this experience) is that I really peed a lot and yes number two too... it is like some major cleansing goes through your body..... very peculiar and special.

Tonight we will end our special time together with a feastious and luxurious farewell diner at major resorthotel that does beautiful Lua's.... That is not to say that we have not been eating wonderful the last couple of days because the food has been spectacular all through this week.... Tomorrow we end our trip and Jessica and Kathie will leave. I will stay another extra day with Judith in which she is going to teach me about some more in depth sounding that was not something for the rest of the group. And at the same time I would like to tell her more about and let her experience the Diamond Light Energy.... After that it is back to the airport and on my way to the Bahamas.... God... what a terrible life!!  ;-)

......

....

I didn't write much the first days of this retreat.... Some things are best left to digest in silence.

I am in Holualoa. A small group of woman that have not just met but are reconnecting after being apart for eons. It is amazing what the energy of four wise women is capable of.... it is almost overwhelming sometimes.

We have done so much already and we have only just begun. Many beautiful gifts of the Universe and magical moments. It has brought much in motion for me. Everyday I believe in me more and that gain of strength is being mirrored by the people around me. I am ready to acknowledge there is much more to it.. and much more to me.. than meets the eye....  hihihi..

A real high point (but there were so many) was meeting the whales..... Like I have mentioned before... people seemed to be convinced I have a connection with whales and I guess at some level they were right.... Finally the day came that we went out to see to meet the whales. Our main goal was to hear them more than it was to see them.... We listened as their sounds surrounded us... amazed I slowly started loosing my shyness and slowly but surely started sounding with them...Slowly but surely I got more self confident about it.  It almost felt like they were answering my calls.... It really felt like they were trying to teach me how to further use my sound (not voice).... there communication was simple but very essential... By 'understanding and mimicking each other)....... It has become clear on many levels that I have a problem with 'high tones'.. and it were the whales that invited me to use and higher my pitch.... I wasn't able to fully do it... or not yet.... But the experience of sharing was veeeery special . 

What we found out later that Judith usually doesn't allow people to sound with the whales because it could sometimes be a bit of an abuse on the whales.... but she knew it would be ok with this group!! The energy between the four of us amazing and I feel honored to amongst such wise and beautiful people. Yesterday I released a huge blockages in my belly but with the joint efforts and support of the 'ladies' they got me through it.... It really was amazing and humbling!!!...

I learn a lot about myself and can give my history a much better place now.. by understanding and clarifying. Jessica is my age and has had a sudden Kundalini awakening... who has left her almost literally paralyzed for a year of her life. Even thought I have not had a sudden awakening my physical challenges seem to be similar to those of the Kundalini... Something I will certainly look into.

We are sounding every day... We laugh and spoil ourselves wonderfully.... but that takes no effort what so ever.. it comes to us soooo easily ...

Rites of passage

What a very impressive journey with the dolphins and with Joan & Jean Luc and all the people i met there. The energy of the work they do with whales and dolphins is so apparent in their house and environment... the frequency is very high and love very welcoming. It is no wonder such special people like Barb but also Danice en Christine are drawn to a place like this. They all are people that are not 'randomly' meeting.... they are meeting that were meant to happen. Exchanges of ideas, energy and friends. Never in my life have I learned so much without speaking about it. Just exchanging energies and ideas. And underneath that the exchange of vision and wisdom. It is like Hawaii is an energetic aquarium..... exchanging... thanking and leaving....

When I left Kealakekua it was raining again... A good sign according to  Jean Luc and his knowledge of the Native Americans. It means you are leaving something behind for mother earth and that she is giving you something to go. 

After not too long a journey I came to another piece of paradise in paradise ....

Greeted with a lei as is traditional of Hawaii.. it made my experience of the island complete!!... Fantastic!!! The energy here is so different but nonetheless very beautiful in a more earthy way. I also really have to get to used to Judith Lynn (who is organizing the retreat). She is a super sweet and wise woman but it is such a change from where I just came from that I just need some time to adjust....

The house we are staying at is really special... not only located beautifully secluded on a avocado ranch but also with its earthy and medatative energy, which I am sure was here but also would been empowered by Judiths work.... They have a huge porch (and you know I love those)... which I can go to by opening the doors of my room... To help me adjust the owners cat: Bright came to great me and jumped on my lap. I didn't move for a hour or more. She is no Morgaine.. but she is very sweet and needs a lot of love... as do I .....

I have been told several times now that I seem to have a connection to the whales.. something I am and have not been aware of. We will see where that is going to lead... I am just going to let it happen and see where this is further taking me. I look forward to a very joyful retreat.... 

the group we will be working with is very small and that of course is very confronting.. especially with sound... no place to hide!!... I was hoping these people that were joining me weren't too bad but when I first heard there voices in the house.. it felt so fresh and friendly that I knew it would be great!! 

Kree Kree Trikkle Trik

Adjusted but not adapted yet.....hihihi....

Yesterday after coming back from my first discovery tour of the islands three main dolphin bays.. and after getting a snorkel gear.. I had some lunch, got some croc slippers and went back to the ranch. I didn't feel like driving to late the first day and I had already done quite the tour. .....

After I got back to the house, the guest who were already there had returned after a day of being on the boat and I got to talking to a lady named 'barb'. Within minutes I realized as did she, that we had a huge connection going on and were both sort of on the same path and frequency... I still wanted some time to relax as did she but we ended up meeting again that evening, as she had invited me to do... We really started talking and getting into it quite deep. The friend she was traveling with ended up going to bed really early and the rest of the evening we spend laughing an talking about almost everything. But we also got very serious about what were are both doing. We both really felt that on a subconscious level we were exchanging even more (energetic) information.. She to me and I to her. At the end of the evening we gave each other a healing and that has done so much that I dare not put it out on paper...It is not a secret but it just feel to beautiful and personal to put out on a blog like this.

After a long and very deep and intense evening I again went to bed quite late... but I was happy excited... fulfilled, in wonderment and very grateful. .....

I found out that Bard was leaving the next morning and before she left she gave me the most beautiful and precious gift. A beautiful pendulant of a sort of Celtic cross of amethyst. I gave her something I felt compelled to give her and we both went our separate ways. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt... we will meet again... She even brought another seminar to my attention.. hihihi.. a seminar that starts right after I get back to Sedona... yepp.... It is in Washington and when I get a clear sign to go... I will be there!!! ...

After Barb left I headed for Kealakekua bay.. what?? Yeah Kealakekua (pronounced : Ka-ah-lah-kah-koo-a). When I got there I could see the dolphins swimming in the far distance accompanied by some snorkelers. I put my stuff down immediately.. got my gear on and headed for sea to join the playful creatures. It was about a good 15 minute swim and pretty strong current but I got there...  At first I thought I had missed them but after a while I felt and heard the prickling tickling feeling and sound of the dolphins and when I looked around they were swimming right past me. ... 

I spend a while swimming with them. They came and went, and came back again... The most I was enthusiastic about their wonderful sounds and crackling noises. After what felt like an eternity of being in the water with them, seeing them swim, jump and relax... I decided to get my orientation above water when I realized I had drifted way out there...I panicked a little bit and started swimming back as fast as I could... something that with the current and my position way out there.. took a while and gave some cramps but I made it. 

Satisfied but with buckling knees I got out of the water. Now I understand why some people rent a boat to see the dolphins. ....

Anyway I felt lucky and very grateful to have met these wonderful precious animals of the sea and especially grateful they wanted to meet me. Later I understood I had picked a perfect day for swimming.... They were very social that day and the current (according to them) was not as strong as it apparently can be. ....

While I was drying up I heard someone blurt out a Dutch name 'Maaike'.. I asked if the whole group was from Holland but I found out it was just the one girl. The lady I spoke to was from Austria. Right after she invited me to join in the singing circle that afternoon at sunset....

Well.. you know I couldn't say no to that!!!

First I went back to 'the ranch'.... the sonar of the dolphins really do something to your body in a good way.. I could feel that when I was swimming that is was letting go of stuff a lot and it continued after I got back, so I decided to have a sandwich and just head for bed. After my afternoon nap I went to see Jean-Luc's movie that he had been anxious to share.. but that in itself is another story....Then it was time to head out to the bay once again to do some singing ....

It was raining cats and dogs at the ranch but that can easily mean that the sun is shining at the beach so the rain never stopped me. However.. this time we were not that 'lucky'... and after a few dropped the rain started pouring down.. But it never prevented us from singing our hearts out.. It was wonderful!!!... The sunset.. the sea... the singing... wow!! 

After having some pizza with some of the people, I headed back home where I am currently writing you this story. I am tired but again feel fulfilled and I will go to bed for the night really feeling great! ...

Aloha

The traveling to Hawaii again proved to be a challenge...the flight from Phoenix to San Francisco went mostly smoothly however when I got to San Francisco I had 30 minutes to get off the plane and get to my next flight... so yes I was 'hauling ass' to get there... Sweaty and out of breath I reached the gate. They were just about to start boarding and after letting about half the people on there was an announcement about a technical problem with the aircraft...To make a long story short: 4 hours, dinner vouchers and rental car stress later.... We were ready to board again. However by now it was 10 in the evening, and adding to that the more than 5 hour flying time it meant we wouldn't be arriving until 1.30 in the morning. ... 

The next challenge then was of course, where do you get your rental car at 2 in the morning?. The place I (and a lot of my fellow travelers) had rented a car had decided not to stay open. In San Francisco I and the airline already started calling and pleading with them to stay open, but alas to no success. there was no way to get where I am going without a car so the first priority is to find some mode of transportation at 2 in the morning. .. At this point I had somehow become a mediator between the stranded fellow passengers, the airline and the rental car company. Something that somewhat surprised me because I was obviously a foreigner and had NEVER been to 'the island' before. Apart from that I was traveling alone while all others were together with family or in groups. But I must have radiated some kind of confidence and quiet because they somehow trusted me to take care of it and really know what I was doing. Even when we were getting on board a family frantically reached out to me saying almost in panic: "What should we do?" Well I guess it was the fact that I was not about to let myself get upset or loose energy over the whole ordeal....

Once landed a couple told me: "Just so you know, we are following you"... seeing I had never been there before and had no clue what I was doing... I of course answered:  "I am not sure that is such a good idea"...but anyway.... at the end two other rental companies did stay open. Much praise and thanks to the lady behind the counter that had started her shift at noon and was still there at 3 am to take care of us. Because I sure wasn't the only one looking for a car. And yes, with just one person behind the desk and many people 'seeking refuge' it took another hour and a half before I was actually in my car.. So about 4 in the morning I finally entered the Sky Island Ranch...

And just being here made all the troubles melt like snow in the sun.. My god it is gorgeous here!!! Tropical paradise in an oasis of peace... These people work with dolphins a lot and are 'spiritually' heavy loaded.. beautiful crystals in the house, pure spaces, fascinating books but most of all a real paradise of peace, quiet and respect for nature. Wow!!.. Besides I was happy there were letting me in that late at night.. hahaha)

With much enthusiasm one of the owners, Jean Luc suggested I was going to swim with dolphins that morning.... he assumed that was why I was there... en yeah well that sounds great but after such a long trip and short night... and coming from dessert dry Sedona to lush moist Hawaii.. for now is adjusting enough!!.... I will just rest for a while here.

I do understand why so many people choose and have been choosing Hawaii as there vacation detonation.. It really touched me when the ground crew entered the plane and stated: 

Aloha and welcome to our Island.... Even though I am sure most people heard that to mean: our people's island (which in itself is beautiful) .. but I heard 'our island' .. as in: an island that we were fortunate enough to be allowed to share with nature... I belief that feeling is deeply rooted in the genes of the 'native' Polynesians. Living with nature has hopefully not made to much of a sacrifice for the all American go-in-and-get-what-you-want attitude... 

Transformaties

Wonderful things

Hello, I write this no longer from my fantastic room in the home where I am staying but from  "Ravenheart Coffee Shop". I feel, a lot better, since today.... It is a sickness that came extremely fast and has been going rather gradually. My biggest challenge has been 'eating'... there is little I like at this point and even less I can actually get myself to eat... The first few days I ate nothing, followed by fruits and juice (all small bits)... but then it started getting really awkward... I started thinking about two things: toaster strudel breakfast and Mc Donalds hamburgers.... which is very strange to me if you have been unable to eat a thing that that are the first things that you think about that you would enjoy eating....hahahaha... first I reacted rationally that that was not a good thing to do and I had better not.... but there was nothing else I could eat so the next morning I got up at the crack of dawn and went to the store to get toaster strudel.... I ate it like I had never enjoyed it before!!.... That night, at about the same time as the night before.. the craving for hamburgers returned and I decided to go with the flow.... I ate it and I looooooved it ... hahahaha...

I was laughing so hard at myself.... it was as if I was learning to eat al over again, readjusting my needs and likes.... while at the same time putting all my preconceptions about food aside. But it is fun!!..

The period I was sick was necessary to cleanse myself and start a new with fresh energy and thoughts and ideas.... a new chapter of which I am now convinced it was 'divine intervention'.

You see, I have been having a 'home' internet connection since I got here. Because of the student that was suppose to come, I started looking online for other possibilities... and at some point I lost all connections or ways to get online.... Looking back on my laptop it was the exact day that my last email confirmation came in about my upcoming trip. After that the line went dead....

Isn't that amazing?.. I had a internet connection... free and fast... for the whole time I needed it to plan my trip... and at the moment I finalized it..... it went black... I think it was a fantastic sign!! ....

So that is why I now have to travel to the coffeehouse to get internet. I am still easily out of breath and get hot really fast. perhaps the last bit of the fever... But I feel fantastic calm and determined to go on my way.... Come What May!!...

Tomorrow evening my seminar starts here in Sedona so I won't be online for a while but I am doing fine!!

Sick

I don't know where it came from or why I have suddenly gotten so sick but I am sure it has it's reasons. You know, I learned over time that when I get sick really sudden it is usually an indication of a major change in my body. The bad think about it that I get real sick real soon but the good thing is that it usually doesn't last very long. ...

I am in bed. Unable to get up to go further than the bathroom. It is a horrible feeling to be so stuck to a bed and I can only imagine what it must feel like for people that are forced to be in bed all the time. My bed has always been a place to relax and sleep and now it is a place that is driving me nuts.... 

Maybe it is not the bed itself that is driving me crazy, but the lack of any distractions so than I don't have to think about things. Being stuck to the bed, there is nothing else to do but think and that maybe creeps me out most of all. I came across the ocean. I did all I could to get a car. I traveled across the country to be here in Sedona and soon I will be leaving for Hawaii and the Bahamas. You would almost think: she is doing it all!!

But while I lay here doing nothing I can't help but wonder: What am I doing here? What am I trying to prove? And for whom? Why don't I just go home and a part of me really wants to right now. Everything I wanted to do seems so futile right now. But I had a mission for myself and if that mission indeed means I will be flying back in a couple of days: than so be it! But I want to be absolutely sure that is the only reason I would be going back because otherwise the doubt in my mind will always be there...

So much is almost too much (almost)

aaaaah... Sedona.... It is indescribable how I feel here.... hmmmm...

I feel so at home and relaxed and just me.... That last might sound a bit strange to some but for me it is not.... I know that I am usually not 'myself' but a more socially adapted version of myself. It is not something I do on purpose or want at all but whenever I am in company of people I will become whatever people expect me to be. It is very special for me to find that as soon as I walked through the door of Francis and Janette's house I noticed: wait a minute.... I am not adjusting... I am just being me..... and I experienced the same thing yesterday.. I love it!!.. 

It is so different here now. I am so different from all the other times I have been here. I always came with expectations and hope that something profound and special would happen and I would meet lot's of special people. But now I am here with non of that. In fact I don't feel like calling any of the people I know around here. I am just here.... went for a walk yesterday on one of the many beautiful trails that are imbedded in this area. But even then I realized it was no necessary at this time. I don't have to anything right now. And for me that is quite something!

But my cloud of nothingness was not to last long..... I knew, or thought I knew that the 2nd of March someone else had booked this room... so I had been seriously keeping in mind I would have to find other accommodations at that time. Coincidentally (or not) there were a couple of seminars I wanted to see/do at the same time that I needed another place to stay.  

I knew for sure I wanted to visit one of them and the other I wasn't sure about... To make a long story short... yesterday I pondered the thought and today it was finalized before the afternoon came!.. It just feels to perfect to let the opportunity pass me by..... Soooo.... 2nd of March I leave for Hawaii for about a week and a half after which I will fly on to the Bahamas. ... Ehmmm well... yes..... it sounds incredibly decedent and to me it really is a 'dream trip'... and I KNOW I deserve it....

I try not to think about the money because it feels so special to be able to do this in exactly the time that I have no place to sleep here and just to be able to go to the Bahamas and Hawaii is a dream on it's own.... I know I am worth it and for the first time in my life I choose to spend this money and dare on myself... Not anyone else.. and for no other reason then to just splash out and have fun!!! Besides.. once I publish the book I will be rich anyway.. hahaha 

In light of being true to myself...

~~~~~  extra news   ~~~~~~~~~~

Woohaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!... Jesus.... man!!!!!!!!!!... 

I am going to Hawaii and then to the Bahama's...!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAj... yes yes yes yes yes...

wooooow...!

Wow... this is unbelievable... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....

Wooooooooohhhhh.... brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... 

Flying through

Yesterday February 15th was my last day on the road.... at least for now.... The weather was fantastically sunny, the road quiet and unique. I first made a 'small' detour to Roswell, New Mexico.. well short it was not exactly being about 250 miles out of my way. Roswell is known worldwide because of the 'UFO incident' in 1947. Yes 1947. But now 60 years later in 2007 it is still known and visited for this fact. And that is not mainly because of the fact that a UFO was claimed to have crashed there so many years ago but because the government first acknowledged it before denying it, like we are used to from them. The big controversy is because there is so much proof and documentation that makes it hard for anyone NOT to believe it happened. And so many movies, series and documentaries later Roswell is still know most and visited for its UFO story and not because of it's dairy (as there city marker suggests).

Now if I were a Martian and I was thinking of visiting Earth again.. I think Roswell would be the last place I would think of landing my ship and I would find a place where there would not be so much attention on me. Although finding that place must be hard because this part of New Mexico is so incredibly serene and empty that even I was major-ly impressed by it (and I have seen my share of places).

By the way the, sarcasm aside, there is no doubt in my mind that Aliens exist. Even more.. I think they are a lot more common than you would thing and maybe because they are so much like us... or are they us?  I could ramble on for pages as to why I believe this etc, but I would just like to let it rest... as I did with Roswell. Because it is a quaint little town but it reeks more of tourism than of aliens.

Funny fact to mention is that on my way to Roswell, I could feel just about the spot where the 'incident' took place. Later in the 'UFO research center' (which is really a fancy word for a amateuristic museum) my spot was almost right on the mark. But I don't think that there is still any alien activity going on. At least not more than there is in a place like Sedona.

And that brings me to Sedona. After about 2350 miles and 5 nights. I have made it to Sedona. That is including my detour to Roswell and forced day rest in Tucumcari because of the weather and so yesterday night around 9.30pm I arrived after having driving 13 hours that day. The only reason I was able to do that without getting too tired is because of the astonishing route through no-man's-land on the always relaxed Interstates. With cruise control on, the iPod connected and my seat comfortably adjusted it was not much of a heavy task. I think I actually really enjoyed it!!!

As a Dutch woman, from a country where we are one of the most populated countries in the world, it is hard to imagine that any place can be so isolated and desolate.  

But after my last challenge through Oak Creek Canyon by night... with cars behind me that are used to racing through the Canyon with at least twice the allowed speed because they know every turn and ravine, I arrived at  155 Hummingbird lane, Sedona AZ with Francis en Janette.

Tired but utterly fulfilled I went in my wonderful bed in my fantastic room!

First day on the road

The day started gloomy... Was this the day I was suppose to leave? I felt anything but assured now would be a good time to go.... Once again doubt filled my brain. If it wasn't for all the packing I had done the day before, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have gone... but the suitcases were packed and it was the plan.

We had breakfast with Karen Tom and Josslyn still there and I started moving things up after that. My mind was confused. Why?  I felt I was going to go but every part of my body was in utter confusion. This was not how I wanted things to be. Nothing felt right today. I left with a gloomy feeling in my head... I was driving yet I was not there.. It was as if part of me had never anticipated this moment to arrive and it came so sudden and unexpected that it left me in a daze for the most part of the day. 

The day was gray and the drive was as well..... I tried to listen to some uplifting music but as hard as I tried it could not do to my spirit what I had hoped it would. I stopped to get gas and right next to my car was standing a man, his beard grown beyond care, his glasses fogged up and his clothes not been changed in a long time. He was way into his sixties or so he looked. His whole body breathed the air of just barely hanging on to hope by a hair. He had a sign in his hand that he wasn't even holding up because he must of felt the hopelessness of it. It said "Please help me".

Being alone in my car and been surrounded by fear for weeks I had not the heart to do something. But my hold body was aching with pain for this man. I did not know what to do, or what I could do but all of me screamed without words that it wanted to do something. I looked into his eyes and he looked at me. His eyes said the same thing his sign did: "Help me"... but his look did not stay on me long enough because he had already accepted that he was not getting help. By the time I had realized I could at least give him some money the light turned green and I had to go. I had to pull myself together to be able to do what I had to.... On my way back I was convinced I was going to do something because it just hurt to much not to. But there was no way to get to him and the next exit to turn around was far ahead. I felt hopeless and as if I had failed. Here was my one chance to do something good and I had missed it because I was too damn scared. I did the only thing I could at that point: I prayed for him and I send him all my love and healing. I tried to surround him with light and love and promised myself I would not forget about him and continue to send him light on my journey. 

And suddenly Indianapolis doomed up before me. The modest skyline and the wide roads that weren't as busy as they would probably on a weekday. But still the city driving was a welcome breath of fresh air. Cars flying by left and right. The cocky driving and the self assured speeds and road handling was exactly what I was used to in Holland and it felt a little like home..... City drivers might be a dread for some, it sure was a relief for me....

Right after going past the center of town, looking to my left a couple of times to take in the skyline of Indianapolis, the road ahead was empty and the sky was lit up. Before everything had been dark and grey and here I could see the sun and feel the light hitting my face. A smile magically appeared on my face and I closed my eyes a few seconds to let it sink in. 

I got my spirit back and I felt so happy and thrilled to be on this trip.... The roads got even more relaxing to drive on after that and it really started feeling like a breeze. I suddenly felt connected again and I could feel that this had been the best decision for me at this point. It is like the sun was winking at me and telling me "see!!... just have faith".

I saw a sign of a hotel that had Jacuzzi rooms.. ooooh I thought to myself.. That would be something I would really like.. hahaha.. yeaah!!... Celebrate the turn around!!

I felt relaxed and happy the next couple of hours driving. I decided that after such and eventful day... Calling it quits at 6 would be fine... A voice in my head told me I would stop at a town that ended with 'ville'.. something like Clarkville.... and it would be around 6. There would be a bunch of restaurants but just one hotel... and it would have a room with a Jacuzzi for me....

Well... .. indeed around 6 o'clock I came by a town called Martinville (not joke)... but unfortunately it was a dead exit when it came to food and lodging. But the next exit six miles down the road did have plenty of restaurants and one hotel. Sure enough when I entered the hotel there was a room available with a Jacuzzi for only 5 dollars more...

So if you don't mind.. I have a date with my tub!

;-)

Unexpected guests

Today I was suppose to leave but I found out Karen, her husband Tim and their daughter were coming over. I decided to stay and be with them. After all I am on no schedule and hurry to get anywhere and it would be fun to see them.

Unexpectantly they arrived a lot earlier but that was fun.... Dad was at work and I was taking a nap because I was so tired before. They arrived.... soon after so did Jennifer and her soon-to-be-husband Tom and his son Blake.... later that day Dad arrived too... Even Ben was home but he left soon after Dad arrived.. But still it was phenomenal to have everybody there and I was in awe to see everyone just being there. It was so much fun and thrilling to have the house filled like it used to be...

Hold on..

I mean.. I could still pack my bags and be on my way... but why would I rush? I might as well relax and leave on Sunday.. Besides I just found out Karen and Tim might be coming over tomorrow so that is another reason o hang around another day...

But Sunday it will then surely be happening: I will head out to Arizona... I am taking 5 or 6 days to get there but if I rush it is possible in 4... But again.. I am in no rush so I might as well enjoy the drive... 

I have an amazing stereo in my car (I just found out it's potential today)... so I am sure I will be juuuuust fine :-) 

Hahaha...

Homecoming

I really drive myself crazy from time to time..... Shall I go? Or shall I stay here?... Or maybe should I go to Washington?...instead of Arizona?.. Or is it best I go home?.. Or Scotland???

Today I struggled with it more then ever because, if I am to leave, I should be preparing and making some decisions by now. But of course I don't want to make any decisions. Much too scary. I have thought it all over.. time and time again and I even consulted my Tarot cards (I brought my wonderful Osho Tarot).. But there were not helpful at all either. Because they told me I would run into some kind of challenge no matter where I went... well.. how are you suppose to decide on that? I thought and thought and thought some more until I was almost completely frustrated because the only thing the cards did tell me is to follow my heart not my mind... 

AAAAAAAHHHHGGGG....

After extensive deliberation one thing did become apparent: It really didn't matter where I went because this is all about surrendering to what is and what may be..... And I really want to plan it all (which is not completely strange seeing what I am about to do)... but I understood.. for the first time really understood... it is not about writing a book.. of giving courses...or finding . 'Stephen' (metaphorically speaking).... my reason has always been (no matter how much I tried to hide it) to find myself... beyond the chaos.....

And the longer I think about it.. the more I realize that that is exactly what I am finding. My mother sometimes doesn't understand why I am making it so hard on myself... and agreed: sometimes I agree with her because I am sure there is a shorter and easier way.. But this is the only way I know and dare to take. Away from safety of 'knowing'. Away from all possibilities to hide myself: right through sea.. just me.......

A thought that makes me sad because I don't WANT to be alone... but I can't fight reality.. it is just silly... there is no one here that is traveling with me...(accept of course my guides and helpers which is a lot anyways!!!).. On the other side there is a part of me that I have been dealing with now that I have not elaborated much on before that has found so much already.... Not by doing anything but just by being here (don't ask me how that works).

A subject I have avoided writing about but fills a great part of my day is: loving myself... being good to myself... Don't ask me why but now that I am here I can feel it and it can even be overwhelming at times.. A real close friend wrote me that by reading the 'blog' she got the feeling she never really knew me.. and she was right...

I still think about that daily... How can I have gotten to be so far detached from myself? Why is it so much easier to find it here and now? I don't understand but I do feel it

Just ... be happy!

Oke... now that I have worked through the first shock, I have to say that it feels terribly cool and awesome to be driving my car!!!... I won't have any trouble driving it for hours and hours (as I am sure I will) 

Yeaah...

My father used to say something that roughly translates: First she cries, then she laughs...

And it is exactly how I am.... Today full of confidence about driving and having my car I drove to sick Carolyn and gave her a treatment. She has stage five pancreas cancer. I drove down there... treated her and left right when I was done..  A couple of hours later she called to tell me how much better she felt and that she couldn't wait for me to come back again to help some more... On the same day I also treated my sister with her bad headache making it go away for the most part.  

It feels good to be back helping people and I sure want to continue doing it...but I also know it is time to leave soon... because I am here for me.. and Me would like to head back to Arizona.. again...

It is as if I have tempted faith: I wanted four seasons and snow.. and I got it.... but now I do... I don't know if I really want it that much.. hahahaha

That's how it works with me... I have to do things.. experience and find out: it is not what I want... So now it is on to Arizona... to maybe feel again: it is not what I want.. who knows!!... and either way.... I want to go.. in a week or so..

She cries.. and then laugh.. Tied and then she left....

Born!

Giving Birth….. After a long awaited pregnancy and a hard delivery she is finally in Attica: 

My Buick RendezVous.

~~~~~~

Pfew…. My ears are humming, my cheeks are glowing and my body is beat.. My feet and hands, who did not warm up all day are now solid warm coals... But the time has come.. I bought and got my Buick RendezVous …..

First there was excitement and cheerfulness then there was the stress of the paperwork and praying I did get a good car and then the driving back during rush hour. Meanwhile running into a police car (which are not to be taken lightly here especially if you don't have your plates yet) and by the time I got home I was numb and shocked: My god what have I done?..

All my doubts and fears came together... Was the car too big? Had it been better to rent one? Did I pay a good price for it? Is there something wrong with the car? Am I suppose to be in the States at all??? It all feels like a ton of bricks on just my shoulders....

My middle sister Jennifer recognized it instantly: "Oh yeah… I have that too… I know I want it. I know I need it… but when I get it I think: Man, why did I spend so much money on it…." Exactly as it now feels for me... There is so much more to buying a car then I am used to. So many extra costs that I didn't know there were. So many procedures. Add to that my general just born doubt if I want to be here at all and you got a real sad party going on!  

But I know it. I recognize it.... I am impulsive and if I set my mind to something it is pretty hard to convince me otherwise... (as shown by how I got here in the first place) .. and so it went with the car. Yes, probably I should have rented... but it is here now and it is mine.... and beside it is not an insurmountable amount. 

My dad is talking to me and I am having a hard time following. I concentrate to listen to his story but my mind is shutting down. The sound on the television is nothing more that noisy turbulence that distracts. Right now I just want a moment of nothing.. because all that I think of right now scares me... I feel alone... AGAIN something I have to go through alone....

Suddenly I hear voices of the people around me that had said: "God, I think that is pretty admirable what you are doing", and suddenly I understand them... My god.... do I really think I can pull this off.. driving through America alone??? pfffff….

But I know it. I recognize it.... And I decide to go downstairs to my room. Something my American parents are starting to jokingly call: my dungeon. But down here in the basement.. it is quiet and still... The cold tiles remind me of the frozen ground beneath it. This room, half underground and half on the ground.... Here I can retreat and let everything slide off me and acknowledge that it is OK to be scared to move forward from here. That is not strange that I find myself 'not knowing' right now. It is no shame that things have momentarily gotten to be too much for me. 

I open my computer and I start writing:

Giving Birth….. After a long awaited pregnancy and a hard delivery she is finally in Attica: 

My Buick RendezVous......

Miracles happen and they happen everyday. It is up to you to see and recognize them for what they are: gifts from the Universe.

~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I can be so angry and stressed that things don't work out the way I had planned that I forget to see what is really there. About two weeks ago I started looking for a car after I decided that would be the best option. As a Gemini of course I could not make up my mind as to what kind of car I would need or want. Should I take a sensible and economic car or should I get what I really wanted: an gas-consuming overloaded car with gadgets and extra's.  Two things that collided because a car that has all the extra's and is the model I want would be an SUV which are one of the most gas-consuming car apart from trucks and RV's. It seemed my wishes and options didn't match. Add to that that I really wanted to leave the option over to change my mind later and come back and go camping when the weather was better.. But neither SUV nor a car would be able to tow something of size. That only left the options of a truck which are even more dramattical petrol drinkers. It would have to be a compromise, that was pretty sure. But what was I going to compromise on and what of my demands would remain standing as important? I didn't know! 

After going back and forth for days, we were driving back from Frankenmuth when I realized something I had learned a while back in Holland which I hadn't put to practice yet: letting go. I remember back in Holland I was sitting on my balcony when my cat Morgaine was doing all sort of funny tricks on the Pergola. I was getting worried because she might fall and drop about 30 feet down. But I suddenly realized: whether I worry or not, it is not going to change what my cat does, nor does it change what happens. My worrying did not add up. It did not help in any way, but just give me a heart attack. In other words: if my cat was in danger, my worrying could not help prevent anything from happening. 

At that exact moment I realized... I have to let go of my fear and stress completely... it doesn't serve a purpose.... I let it out and up outside my body into the air.... pooff... And I suddenly felt calm and relieved... but I also felt supported.. A feeling I knew would come to be a critical tool in the future when I decided to travel.

So in the car, back in Michigan I used that exact tool.... but it wasn't easy... You see... there were so many .. 'but.. ' scenario's in my head that suddenly seemed of the utmost importance to me.
But I knew I had to let go of every single thought about it.. I managed to scrape the voices off the sides of my brain and knew I had to let go and .. trust...I tried my best, overcame the voices that seems to terribly important before and send all my worries away.... poof.. gone…..

Not even a minute later (which of course I didn't realize at the time) I was looking at the car in front of me and I liked it but knew I could never get it because it was an SUV... My dad suddenly spoke up and said: ‘How do you like this car? It is a Buick RendezVous… it is big and still reasonably economic on gas for an SUV.

Interested but still not impressed I told him I liked the car and it was certainly something worth considering... He told me my sister did drive one now and she was happy with it.

That night I almost forgot about the incident, when I was looking at cars on the internet... I remembered the name of the car because it was so what I am ready for: a RendezVous.. hmmm aaah.. yes!!... Anyway... I looked it up on the internet and found a car, not more than 30 miles from here (which is close for American standards). It had everything I wanted: all the extra's and it was the somewhat economic SUV from Buick. The buyer turned out to be: Global Peace!... I was smiling at that point and my sister Jennifer must have seen the same thing because she said: “Look, it must be a sign’… We searched on and found that the same car was more expensive at other places and the price he wanted wasn't bad. “Too good to be true”, I thought to myself but I found myself driving up there.. actually Jennifer and her soon-to-be-husband Tom drove me up there.. to take a look at it..

I felt like a little girl in a candy store.. I was so excited!!!! It was all I could thing off and more...

“Oh, by the way”, my Dad said when we got back home...: “I just remembered. I think the Buick is the only SUV that I know, that can actually tow a reasonable camper”…

Now isn't that a miracle?

Que sera sera

When I arrived here January 14th, the next day, the first snow of the season fell. It has not left since then, and only extra white powder was added to the scenery. The temperature has been around freezing having melted some of the snow but last night suddenly dropped to 0.  In Holland temperatures can drop just as drastically as they do here is what I found out again. . 

When I was visiting family and stuck my nose outside the door, in following of my going back home I suddenly remembered what a nostril freeze was. The fluids in my nose froze at the first breath I took of the outside air, leaving a tingling feeling inside my nasal passage. Something I have yet to experience in Holland.

I am still sniffling and coughing with the minor flew I seem to have going but I understand now that it is part of my 'landing' and 'understanding'. I take my time and rest and accept what is.... ehmmm that is as far as the flu is concerned. As for all my other occupations for the last couple of weeks I seem to be doing everything I can to control them.

For example the car I have been flirting with for the last couple of weeks is now almost officially mine... what remains is the paperwork. After that I will be all set to drive my gray beauty. Now I can only hope and pray that having the car titled in my name won't give any real problems. It might just be the last hurdle I have to take but I am trusting that if I made it this far, it will be ok. 

The planning I had in my head really foresaw me being on the road by now, but apparently things are meant to be different. This weekend I would have spend at a friends house, but I can't go there if I don't have a car so I will have to sit out my time here a little longer. yesterday I visited aunt Carolyn who is very very sick. She asked for my help and I smiled at her as I realized the Universe knows where I am suppose to be and when.. it is up to me to trust that what ever comes will be ok.

But I have not yet really gotten that down yet. Testified by the stress and pressure that I experienced with buying the car. Add to that the things you need to watch out for, when buying a care and I definitely lost a couple of nights sleep. When I think about it is merely that I loose sleep because things don't turn out the way I had planned. And planning I always do. Now I don't have car yet to travel around but someone who is critically ill asks for my help. A conversation that would not have taken place, had I had my car by now.

And I have not even mentioned the awesome and miracle like way I have gotten this car!

I feel humble and I understand.... apart from the art of 'accepting' I really need to work on my 'letting go'....  :-).

Rules

In contrary to what I would have thought... I am still right where I began: Attica, Michigan. Very literally because without a car I don't get much further than the driveway to the house. To me it seemed a good and enduring alternative to buy a car instead of renting it. Especially if I will be needing the car longer than just the coming three months. Of course the rental costs would just continue to add up while the cost of owning a car would remain stable.

Once I headed down this path it was a path I could not easily let go off. But what I have to do in order to obtain a care is almost literally: move heaven and earth. It is incredible how much rules there are and how much has changed in the last couple of years. Nothing can 'just' be done and everything seems 'impossible'... I say seems because after much determination there seems to be ways around or through the system. . 

I have spent the most time that I have been here finding my way through the maze. So many turns and so many dead ends. "I am sorry but those are the rules" are the turns that seem to lead nowhere. Neither intended nor supported by the people here as far as I can tell by the way. 

A land that once prouded itself in being land of opportunity and land of the free is now a shriveled up currant of it's own life juices. A land hollowed out and encaged. But that is not the negative road I want to turn. I am not here to judge the country because I still believe in it's possibilities. It is still there deep within. And I am just fortunate to have found the small road signs I found to get through the maze.   

Today a friend said that is must be the Universe testing and taunting me... and quite frankly that is what it sometimes felt like.. But when her say it I realized it was not true. Everything I am going through is part of life here and it is part of that which I am here for: to better understand and scrutinize. And to keep seeing that it is merely a cage that has surrounded something that is still unaffected and never will be, unless you start believing it. 

No, I am no night in shining amours nor am I a victim of bureaucracy: I am getting exactly what I asked for: answers and understanding. !

Fear

The things of which I first think: why do these things happen to me? Usually turn out to be the things that come in very handy or give me a certain insight. A good example is the poor transfer during my trip over the United States.. which was a hassle (but not insurmountable) and it turned out to be the perfect feeding ground for my story on the 'blog'. 

The same thing applies to the things I am experiencing her, of which I will give a more detailed account later. It reminds me of the story of the butterfly. The whole story is in Dutch and I will try to translate it so you will be able to read it here. Let me give you a couple of quotes from the story.:

If we would live our lives without obstacles, we would become crippled.
We would never be able to fly.

I asked for strength, and received difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom and I got problems to solve.
I asked for favors ... and I received chances.

It sounds wonderful to me and it is incredibly true, but it is also almost impossible to understand when  you are in the middle of such a situation. When you are trying to move forward and take steps towards your wishes and everything you undertake seems to put up almost impossible hurdles. Which is what it feels like to me. And yet I try to remain 'standing' and realize 'this is meant to be' this way.... but I have to admit... it is not my strongest suit! :-).

What I do see very clearly is that part of life here that has always made me have a love-hate relationship with this country. On the one hand I love this country. I love it for the possibilities, the freshness and the peace and quiet and room... space... But something inside me was always gnawing. Something that is hard to feel when I am in Holland, but something that is present loud an clear when I am here. 

It has taken me to this point to understand what it is. Partly because I have grown enough and learned enough to recognize better what it is that I feel and see. But is probably also partly because it seems to be more evident and present now then it has ever been. It forms an ever growing contrast in this country: fear. Of course it is no coincidence that my book deals exactly with this fear. And the fact that the family where I am staying, and have lived before is an perfect example of the control that the fear can have over your life. Probably unconsciously but maybe even partly consciously. 

I find it sad to see that people so unbelievably hard to make ends meet. Always knowing in the back of their mind that they can loose it all in a heartbeat. You can't win from the fear. It will always be bigger and more imminent than the resistance against it. I don't blame them and I believe it would hold me hostage too if I would live here. I would be succumb by the same fear. But I don't live here and I do see it.  

Don't get me wrong. This same pattern of indoctrination is present and working its ways in Holland, but it seems to be more subtle and more undergroundly present. Besides the social character of Dutch people is so deeply rooted that it would be hard to make it too obviously present.  Let's say the climate here is more inviting for it. A climate that the country itself has created in its couple of hundred years of existence. It was meant for freedom and is abused for fear.

It makes me rebellious inside to see it is so obviously present. It makes me sad to see how people can be controlled by it. But I do understand. They were fed with fear scenario's all their lives. They deal with it every day. It isn't just something they were told existed. It is real. They are confronted with it every day. And I am sure something inside them is telling them it is not right.... but tell that to someone that was sued for a couple of million dollars for a little dent in a fender in a parking lot. Tell that to those people who are faced with the possibility of loosing everything everyday. 

Everybody works so hard in this country. Quitting your job to find your blessing elsewhere is not an option anymore. It used to be what this country was all about. What made it so special. But is is now one of their greatest fears. And they know and will tell you: 'it didn't use to be this way'... But they try to hold on to what they got, as best as they can... to keep what they have in fear of loosing exactly those things they are working so hard for to keep. 

And of course the big bad wolf is the government.. 

I would love to scream: don't you know that 'you' all created this system. Not 'them'. You can end if you all put your mind to it. But I think I will save my energy and put it in my book. After all it is exactly these thoughts, ideas and experiences that make for beautiful quotes in my book

Adjusting

The reality of my decision to come  here is slowly getting through to me. Until now I have been 'surviving' more than living. That is to say that I was going through the motions that were required to 'seem' normal but I wasn't consciously present. It is a fear or aversive measure that my body does if it shocked about something. In this case a big change.  

I can't sit still and keep doing all these things that are completely irrelevant, while all the things I should be doing remain untouched. At the same time I feel like nothing is moving fast enough and I basically feel I should have conquered the United States by now. It is part of me and I have learned to accept it, even though I don't like it much yet. Instead of getting angry I now only get frustrated a little bit and I try to cope with it best I can. Accepting and loving the way I am is part of what I want to be about. 

But the dual character I possess on the one hand needs constant change but the other side is terrified of any kind of change. But I am here now in Michigan and that certainly is a change worth thinking about. I am here without a real agenda or clear purpose but just a question: what do I really want? 

It wasn't until now.. or no, let me rephrase that.. Now It is starting to hit me what it means and it feels very scary and alone. At this point I really rather turn back, feeling there is nothing that I am here for. What am I doing here? All these weird, different Americans with there strange and stupid rules... most of them ignorant and scared of everything prescribed by goverment. My journey didn't start off smooth, and even here everything seems to be not going according to plan. (alright in al fairness I have only been here three days... LOL). Besides spiritualy and esoterically there isn't much to do here in Michigan.

But despite of that or maybe BECAUSE of that I still feel it is exactly where I am meant to be now. Maybe that is the most scary feeling of all. Something in me wants to give in to the omnipresent fear for 'lawsuits' 'accidents' 'unemployement' 'moneyproblems' 'Insurance' etc. The people seem to be governed by fear and I can't really deal with it. And again, I still know it is where I should be. And if I would take the time to accept what is and see how I stand within this turmoil. I would see how good it really is, that it is what it is...

Yes.... I know. Either way.. My ego want tó much tó soon.. especially because it drastically will improve my chances of failure or avoid any kind of real risk. My heart is telling me that it will all work out ok if I am willing to let go. And that I have gotten more healing just being here, than I have had in more than a year of all kinds of therapy. Just by sitting here, doing nothing. And that really is a freaky thought.....

God works in mysterious ways

It still is funny to think about it. It really was goodbye, even though I have traveled alone so many times before but this time really did feel different. Maybe if I look back in about six months time, I will understand why it felt the way it did, but right now it just feels funny when I think about it. As if I was leaving again, like I did 15 years ago to an unknown destination, with all the doubts and fears that come with such a decision.

I could not hold back the tears when I had said my last goodbyes and past through customs alone. But what the heck does it matter?... Nobody at an airport will find it a strange sight to see somebody cry.. there are so many reasons to think of which would give someone the reason to cry at an airport. So  many people saying goodbye. Fortunately there are equally as much people that are happy about some kind of reunion which makes the level of emotion extremely high but none the less in balance. 

On my way to the gate, I thought about it a million times: 'Why am I doing this exactly?' but honestly there never was a doubt in my mind that I really did want to do this. Now that I am here I know that it won't be a disappointment even if I decide to return in two weeks time. I have to do this. Besides the quiet and friendly flight over the ocean everything that could go wrong in my transfer basically did go wrong, which made me wonder what happened to my kind request to the Universe to have a nice and quite relaxed journey. 

It started off with the wrong information that was given to me by the travel agent, who wrongfully informed me I was allowed 32 kilo's instead was faced with the backwards allowance of 23. Unfortunately just handing over my suitcase backwards was not an option to fix the problem and so I found myself compelled to pay extra for the now announced excess baggage. Repacking it is was no option because I couldn't think of anything I wanted to leave. Or at least my mind couldn't do it. Redistributing the luggage did not offer an option either because both were literally filled to the very brim!

When about 9 hours or so I arrived in Chicago and passing through customs proved to be as much a challenge as packing my suitcase..... and believe me I am used to a lot when it comes to customs. But after being in line for more than half an hour the end of the till then endless sway of people towards the red line helping you pass the last stage before entering the country, was near. On that moment an always loud screaming emotionless dominant customs officer yelled that the row we were in was not so kindly invited to go to the other arrival hall to a. shorten the row of waiting people and b. speed up the process for us. Or at least, so we, the once in that line, assumed. So willingly and with a quick pace everybody followed the leader towards the other hall. Of course there were those that felt the need to seize the moment to get ahead in line and tried just a little faster than the rest. But of course those that were 'ahead' like me, didn't want that to happen after waiting that long, so the line just basically continued to increase the pace until the new line put us in a new holding pattern. 

 Standing in the 'new' line were robbed of our illusion that we would be helped faster because we ended up in basically the same spot in line where we started from, with the exception of there being probably less than half the amount of booths were open to help us go through customs. One couple in front of me had a shorter connection than I had, but the justice part in me felt obligated to let the people go before me. By the way a funny detail was that before you ever reached the red line that would get us across the border, our papers were being pre-checked by some service agents that barely spoke a word of English. What this does to the credibility of the whole procedure I don't know, but I ended up being one of the last persons being helped and the customs officer informed me not so lightly that he couldn't work with the papers I just gave him and that were just approved by the foreign language speaking ladies. The forms were the old forms that they just couldn't approve anymore. I nicely explained him that it was a form that I got from the arrival that I came from and naturally assumed that would mean they are ok. He believed me but he still saw no grounds to let me through and looked at me with a gaze of sheer surprise and incompetence as to how to handle the form. The only options proved to be the fill out the right form and wait back at the red line. 

I decided not to argue him and fill out the papers like a good little girl. It just has never felt right to argue with such an officer of the law who make you believe that anything you say against will be held against you into direct deportation by law. Bravely not complaining I went back in front of the red line hoping to get my final shot to get in, and I did with a different officer this time. The man looked at me smiling and wondered why I was so eager to fill out two forms when clearly once would have done the job. Both were completely legitimate, or so he explained so I need not of bothered twice. But he seemed to appreciate my diligence in the matter. I didn't bother to explain to him that his colleague had offered me a different opinion because of the above reason. Oh well.. all's well that ends well.. I thought while he was tearing up the forms. After the mandatory fingerprints left and right and beautiful picture for their scrapbook, finally I was allowed in. Pretty clever by the way how they seem to control the art of radiating such authority that you indeed do let out a sigh of relieve when they eventually let you in. Sort of a gods gift to be let in, in stead of a god given right righteous and legal step into another country.

Anyhow.... naturally after this stimulating event my suitcases had been waiting on the luggage belt long enough for it to probably wonder if anyone was ever going to pick them up. I took my heavy babies with me, without a special luggage card because usually it isn't much more then a 100 feet till the next customs officer would put it back on another belt for the transfer. So I carried it until such point: Handbag around my shoulder, laptop bag on my back and two rolling suitcases, both heavy and big, which is an important detail for the further chain of events.  After handing over the piece of paper I so strangely had accumulated not long ago, there was indeed a luggage transfer point about 30 feet ahead. Another little more friendly officer was telling everybody where to go with their luggage  but apparently the upcoming traffic of travelers temporarily got to him, making him tell me to take my bags, and follow the signs to the  'Connecting flights' through the sliding doors.

Good girl as I can be if I want to... I walked towards the doors without doubts or worries an went through the doors where loves ones and family was anxiously waiting for people to arrive. It gave me a strange feeling that I wasn't transferring but arriving. But it wasn't until about 10 feet further down when I saw the signs leading me up the escalators that I realized something had gone terribly wrong. I looked back and saw the doors were one way, indeed indicating I had gone out of the secured area. The nice man had kindly directed me and my suitcases in a direction I didn't need to go with all my luggage, obligating me to drag my luggage all the way through the airport and recheck them at the departure hall of my next flight. A short and desperate attempt to ask for help didn't move a muscle on the employee I approached. COld and uncaring she answered: 'those are the rules madam. Just take your bags and move on'. I tried to explain to her how hard it was to go up the escalators alone with all the bags but she was relentless. 'M'am.. I don't make the rules, I just tell you what you gotta do"

And so angry, said and reasonably in a panic I headed for the escalators and another two escalators, a train ride and some walking later I got from terminal 4 to terminal 1. I have to include that Chicago is a  big airport especially if you are carrying 3 months full of stuff on you, and this little outing is not recommended for anyone unless you are looking for a cheap way to work out. Strangely enough everybody saw me struggling to handle the luggage but nobody seemed to feel compelled to help out in any way. Probably they were all wondering who in the heck would carry such a large amount of carry-on luggage, because they was no other sane way anyone would carry so many bags all trough the airport. So it served me right!

Sweaty and shaking because of sheer fatigue I reached terminal 1 where a very friendly gentleman made all my grief disappear by apologizing for at least three times for them making me carry the luggage around. It didn't take away any of the stress or heat inside of me, but it did help with the irritation and put a smile back on my face to help me get through yet another customs check. Laptop out, chap stick lipstick and other 'crèmes. lotions and liquids' out, shoes off etc etc.

When I finally made it to the new secure area of the airport I realized I really didn't have that much time till my next flight but enough at least not to have to rush to the gate. This time I was allowed what seemed impossible in Amsterdam, namely get some water to drink before or during the flight. But before I really had a chance to sit down and drink, my seat number was up and I had to put everything back in my back as soon as I could. So in went the fruit and water which unfortunately inside the airplane had not been done correctly by me, leaving the water to leak into the bag, soaking it through making the quick action less then efficient. Fortunately this was the end of all the 'transfer' misery so I could arrive calmly in Detroit after an hours flight. 

Although I did wonder why on both the first as well as the second flight the flight attendants stoically seemed to forget to serve my row for drinks. And why I had a hard time getting any kind of 'ok' seat on the long stretch while I was thoughtlessly and without asking, I was appointed a beautiful emergency exit seat on the short stretch. And why my suitcase had had a little visit from the customs department, indicated by a note the left inside it. To get in they forced the lock and once they were in they unpacked the whole thing and repacked it differently and rudely. Except for the gifts of course which they did unpack but never repacked and just shoved back in there. The note however explained they had been inside the suitcase 'for my own safety' which of course I was to understand. Oh and of course they were not liable for any damages... Have a good day! 

Yes the Universe is inscrutable... God works in mysterious ways.

But let's be happy I arrived save, with luggage and without delays in Attica, Michigan.

Time to go

For the longest time it has been my dream... then it became a wish.. and now I am really going. Every time I think about it, I realize it is 'only' three months, so in fact a bit of a long vacation really.... But still...... My heart is screaming something else. Something I can't understand or decipher. I just feel it. 

Some of the time I feel relieved and happy: finally it is time!! Other moments I am nervous and some moments I am completely nauseous. But I don't understand it... I am in fact just going for a long deserved vacation to a place I know, people I know.. to find who I am. 

And yet it feels much more complicated than that. Or not. I can't describe it very well. Even if I want to with every inch of my rational brain. It is like I am on the verge of something completely new. As if I am standing at 'the price is right' and I have chosen door number 3 en now anxiously awaiting what is behind the door. 

I can't focus on anything. Not even packing.. and that really would be helpful right now because I can tell you that putting 3 months of life in one suitcase is not easy, I tell ya! So here I am..... Leaving in two days, not having a clue. Why am I going? Why does it feel so strange? I have been there so many times before? Why am I saying goodbye? Why am I writing this blog? What is going to happen? Is anything going to happen? What am I so afraid of? Why do I want to know it all?......... but for the first time in my life... there is silence in my head..... no words of wisdom, nog educated guess, no logical explanation.. just silence. I, that always knew why.. or pretended to know. I who always looked for an explanation in everything, even if I didn't have any. I, that always wanted to understand.. even if often I didn't......

Always busy in my head... always ideas... feelings..... busy.... longing.... believe... thinking...

And now...... nothing.......

The 'I' in me is silent. 

And that which should be a blessing.... makes it even more terrifying.  

Nothing is stronger, then silence. Nothing has so much power, than the silence of an hour.  (stef bos)

Work for the sake of Work for Wonderland

In Holland we have a government agency that will make shivers go down your spine by the sheer mention of the name. That is, the people in this country that have come in to contact with this organ of the state. It is the appendix to our society. When you have nothing to do with it, it does what it does but it doesn't bother you. But the first time you know it exist it makes your body ache with pain and what is best for your system is to remove it completely. 

I am talking about something called the U W V... I dare not put the letters too close together because I fear it will upset and cause unnecessary injury to the reader. After a long, bureaucratic, useless, stressful battle with above mentioned.... with undoubtedly also a lot of work on their side and especially a lot of unnecessary anger attacks on my side,  the truth came and saw daylight: Ma'm.. we do our job... but not for you!!... Or to literally translate it: what you want madam... not in this lifetime will that happen.

I decided to swallow my pride.. to forget that I lost the last 3 months dealing with all this nonsense and still see it as an invitation to have faith that I indeed do not need my appendix. I will be fine without it. Of course I wonder, why it is then, that I had an appendix to spare... but it isn't worth the pain to speak about it. So I can draw only one conclusion: 

I trust... and I go!!.. And well... I go in little over two weeks.... So I hope to have a flight around mid January. 

First there was the necesary grumpyness for the Ultimate Worthless Vehicle (of the goverment) but now that I can let it go a little.. hmm.. alright in all fairness... I can pretend not to think about it any more... I feel exactly that what I felt when I made the decision to go down the road that I have chosen: relief and wonderment...

Like Alice on her way to an unknown Wonderland!!

Media & Politics

The outer standard of mass opinion in Holland: Politics and Media.... but just as with so many things.. looks can be deceiving. Because the true soul of this originates with the pharmaceuticals, oil and other big companies. They control the world, inside out. The politicians are allowed put up a great show and the media plays both coach and critic of the spectacle. 

I myself have 'worked' at this so called 'media' and it was always my secret dream to return to this work again. Because working at the media compels people to oblige. As a young girl I learned quickly that even just mentioning the name of the radio station I worked for, opened all doors. As if the fact that I worked for the media, gave me the right to go and do what nobody else was allowed to do. It gave me a special feeling of power what at that time only gave me a sense of enthusiasm.

Many peregrinations and many years later I had the pleasure of being at the taping of a television show. It was an opportunity I had been looking forward to like a child going back home after many years. But this time I was spectator in more ways than one. I saw literally like an outsider what took place before my eyes; Sincere people, television producers, who live in their own world where what they do matters.  Glances of superiority, trying to 'mingle' amongst the common folk. An air of important business that, if you look close enough, is not much more than a bunch of ego put together the one trying to be better than the other. A place where ratings, even at public broadcasting, is more important that the content and outline of what you are making. 

Without viewers no television, they would have you believe. But in fact their shadow exceeds them. Without television producers no view. Elites bourgeoisie who claims to be master and ruler or the truth. Who claim to be above the truth. And who claim to be better at debating than the politicians they interview. 

De politicians who are always stigmatized as self fulfilling ego's. Roosters in the henhouse of humanity. They are being portrays having a bigger ego's than they have a view of what 'the people' want. But what I as spectator saw was the media mirroring itself. It is not politics but the media that are more arrogant than is becoming of them.  

The politicians that thrive well in the media, know how to boost the ego of proclaimed media to get what they want. While the real pioneers, are being put to the sword because they don't play the game. People believe what they see and the media give you what you want to see. And so rooster are rewarded and the true fighters for humanity go down with the sunset.  

The hens remain behind, disillusioned, fed  by the lies that were born out of self-interest. Nobody believes in anything. Nobody fights for anything. Blame politics. Blame the economy for doing too well.

But is is our believe in that was is being served on our plate that takes away our beliefs. Eventually we won't fight or anything anymore because that kind of behavior is not rewarded. Who sees the real passion in running a country? Who believes in hope for this world? 

Nobody want to see there are real politicians out there with passion and dedication who truly work to see change in this world. Who try to get us out of the illusion and make us see that we dó hold the solution. That we can change the world if we so desire. 

But meanwhile the bickering continues and the rooster still run the henhouse. They still control our thoughts. And slowly the passion dies in a war of medial appearances. I hope that one day we open our eyes that neither the politicians nor the media run our lives. That no company can thrive without consumers being people. That society is still something we built together.. you and me! 

After the storm......

"In psychiatric terms.....", my doctor told me with eyes of steal that showed no out signs of pitty ".... moving equal to losing a loved one". It was exactly what I wanted and needed to hear. Of course moving is terrible and has a huge impact on your system. So it gave me the right reasons to justify my fatigue. That way I wouldn't feel guilty if I, as I had experienced before after I got sick, would collapse after putting the boxes away. So I was all to eager to tell everybody how hard moving actually was!.. But to be honest... I didn't really believe it could or was that hard.  

tsssss... moving.... how hard could it be?... Yeah well..... packing boxes and putting them away... canceling of changing subscriptions. Administration and thinking... that was all I could think there was to it..... Nothing more than that.... please!!  

The first couple of days after the moving I walked around my parents house like I had energy for 10 horses. I helped clean the house, cooks when appropriate and was my energetic cheerful self all day. But my cheerful self, couldn't, as usual, fool the real me and soon after I realized my consciousness was drifting somewhere a few feet above my head. A place where all things that were tough were not burdened with feelings, pain of fatigue... Up there.. the sun always shines...

.. but up there... is not here... so after a couple of days of running around I finally had to admit to myself that moving had had a bigger impact on me, than I originally had thought or want...But it took me at least another week to even somewhat find myself that part of me that I called me. \

Now 3 weeks later I am slowly returning to earth... the coast is clear... You can come out now! Good.... because now I can start to draw up the balance of what happened. 

"In psychiatric term moving is equal to losing a loved one" ..... no routine from bed to refrigerators. Strange shops, strange neighbors. Strange furniture and strange sounds. Strange thoughts in strange surroundings. 

Ok, by now I am convinced. Moving isn't as easy as I had hoped.... but if moving is tough... what about moving in with your parent?.. No not in your parental home... but in there house! The house where you never lived but you now have a room. 

First trying to go along with their routine. Then finding out that that doesn't work and finally reluctantly coming to the conclusion that you are living at their house but not living together as to speak. Realizing I have a right to my own life.  

"In psychiatric term......", the doctor said with eyes of steal... If I was psychiatric I would have gone crazy by now..... I think. 

And then I look at my cat. Who is trying peacefully to fit on a little plateau that is way to small for her to fit on. While at the same time she could have chosen the big bed behind her to stretch and fall asleep. But here, right next to the plateau ....is where I am... so next to me.. is where she is....

I don't think she is burdened with moving-stress.... She came.... she sniffed around... and she overcame.... She soon saw the advantages of having a garden to roam around in which she couldnt at the small patio of my apartment to stories high. But of course it makes sense because she doesn't worry about sleeping on a small plateau that is too small for her.  

She just is.... and it is what it is... here or there....

Titel

Iris Barkhuysen.
Copyright © 2003 [De Iris]. All rights reserved.
Revised: juli 04, 2007

email: info@deiris.nl